religion

Infinity Undone

So I’ve come to the point where I’ve now loved someone so much, that I’ve nothing left of myself. I feel him at night while I”m lying in bed. I see him during the day in my daily life. It’s like so many pieces of my life match his that my world forms his face. And to know that his physical body is out there, not “feeling” the same way I am, is crippling.

To have things in your universe SO perfectly match another individual, to the point that you become not just your body, but everything you perceive and believe, and know that they are on the opposite side of everything you are? Is both everything beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. It’s like if everything you are became flat as a paper spread out for eternity. Like you melted and your body was absorbed into nothingness. But your perfect match was the other side of the paper. You are forever so close. But now you know. YOU KNOW, that no matter what else you do, you cannot be with them how you want. Because you are either perfectly touching everything matched and complete, or you must rip away from each other, as far as the eye can see, and the mind can comprehend to create a physical form to come together as a couple as you had always envisioned as we are programmed to do.

But you will always have this knowledge of where you can from. To the bitter end of how thoughts were formed, because in your deep thoughts, you both went to the darkest corners of your mind and soul and very being to find the start.

The start of you. The start of time. The start of us, one, everything. And so despite everything around you, and the few remaining unanswered questions, you know. You know that you came from each other. And with each breath you create each other. And so you hope and believe and trust the hardest thing in the world, that you created, but you trust, that you can both maintain this knowledge at the same time. On both sides of the paper. To maybe both believe at the same time that this love is the deepest and truest and realest and most beautiful love ever.

Because when it comes down to it, the world had to be created at some point. Why not here. In our love in our thoughts? In our breath? In our perception? In this beauty?

And if so, let’s take the knowledge we have, from our view, and perception, to move on with our “life” and create death. Our final resting place. Not somewhere where we would have to come back onto this plane of insanity, dropped back onto this paper at a different location, but lets start matching up to our original start, lets bring it back to the beginning again. Let’s uncreate if you will. Lets find our start. To find our self.

And know that the very real possibility exists that an actual human being may be out there right now to match all our thoughts. To be the other side of our paper. To be our infinity.

We had to be created at some point.

How can we be sure that we can die? Yes, our bodies can fail, but I am no longer sure that ‘we’ die. How do you define yourself? Are you your body alone? I know I am more than just this physical sack of skin holding my blood and organs together, separating my thoughts from yours. But when that physical force fails, my thoughts are now only just free to be.

With that being said, I think comes and even more frightening thought than the conventional idea of death, but the idea that ‘we’ can never die. We can never stop thinking. We can block off memories of past lives, and choose to come again and be reborn as a fresh individual, but ‘we’ as a soul, can never be “done.”

We can have soul mates, whom we might meet up with and even conceive beautiful plans with while recovering in our place of rest and preparing to return to this earth (which is just a projection from all of our perceived thoughts) or we can build our own walls and choose to do things on our own as pure individuals.

Each time we come, we can allow ourselves as much or as little access to ourselves as we choose, but unfortunately, there is no end.

An that is a scarier thought than death in itself.

Because I think it must become boring in the vast openness of ‘nothing’ outside of this world. So we as souls created something beautiful. To both challenge ourselves, but also to pass our infinite time. So with knowing that we all as souls or spirits have come together to create this universe in both it’s great magnitude, but also it’s very small connected form, it will hopefully lead us to remembering our purpose in it’s initial creation. That this is a place of joy and individuality and a place to take form, and create.

So what have you created today, as opposed to destroyed.


 

And The Wonder Of It All Is I’m Living Just To Fall More In Love With You

So I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. My dreams have been beyond crazy. I’ve also seen having some experiences that are much more than ‘normal’ for a lack of a better word. This post is going to be super short, because I can never find the words to properly describe the phenomena that I’ve been going through. Thoughts I’ve had, feelings I’ve felt, dreams I’ve dreamt. But then also times I’ve gone through in day to day life where it feels like time pauses for me, and I zone out, but not for anyone else. Or weirder still, when everyone else freezes and I continue to move, and think.

It’s become just more than anything I’ve experienced in my 30 years of life but I keep justifying it but saying to myself that it must be real, since I am experiencing it, and I am real… soooooo?

But to have dreams that are in gold and feelings that are in light. To close your eyes and instead of having the darkness you can literally be able to turn over every piece of that darkness to create something new, while your eyes remain closed… its been beyond my understanding until now and even at this moment it’s more than I fully comprehend but its beautiful and the universe that awaits… its almost like it’s been waiting for someone to discover it in this fashion. Because it’s been treating me in such an interesting way.

Anyways. That’s it for now. I have nothing else to say other than it’s been confusing yet beautiful.

-Delerious?/Deeper-

I Dream In Colour I Dream Of You

I had a dream a week ago, maybe two.

It was the most phenomenal life like dream ever.

K and I were driving along the road here in town, and we were talking about how life is going, but what made this dream spectacular, was it was in colour. Not just your everyday colour, but everything was sparkling in shades of gold.

Then what pushed it even more over the edge, is that while he was driving and chatting, he reached over and held my hand and I felt it. I literally felt the warmth of his hand embracing mine. And it was the most beautiful breath-taking experience ever.

The dream ended with him saying he better get his shit together. And in an instance the dream was done. The gold was gone. The warmth of his hand was gone. And I was awake. But it seemed more than a dream. It was like we were sharing an imagination/consciousness.

I’d never dreamed in colour before. Especially not gleaming hills of gold and feeling warmth.


Pearl Jam/Daughter

Joined at the Hip.

Controlling your thoughts has become paramount.

To the point where connections with others becomes more than just a “possibility” but a terrifying reality.

I haven’t posted anything here in a long time because at this point there are no words to describe what is happening. How do you describe the feeling of sharing on mind yet having two bodies? Did you create this world for the two of you? Was this world a byproduct of your thoughts? how much can you control? How much should you control?

Either way shit becomes real every so often and then after sleeping fades away. But I cannot forget waking up this Saturday morning with a sore elbow for no good reason. All day I couldn’t describe the pain. No it wasn’t a sore muscle. No it wasn’t from sleeping funny. No it didn’t need to be stretched or anything like that. It just hurt. In a new and weird way. Later that night, the person I feel I share this connection revealed to me they got into a fight friday night and injured their elbow. So now not only can we connect  with our thoughts, but our bodies are joint in a way we both never knew was possible

So where do we go from here? Are we the same person? A fear I have to let go of.

Do we have to have the same thoughts in order to successfully move forward? Another thought that crosses my mind… or our mind… or my half of the mind. I don’t even know.

Or do we have to forget about each other for the sake of the universe, which slowly melts away each time we believe we are this connected.

Or… The most successful thought we’ve had to date, do we both believe and therefore create a third party “God” to stand above us that has our best interest in mind. And the only way to continue forward, is by maintaining a complete trust in this “God.”

God being whatever we make it. A representation of love, trust, forgiveness, joy and peace? All things good? Equality? Rest?

Whatever way it is, it makes us go from two individual bodies sharing one mind struggling, to two people trusting a God who has our best interest in mind.

But then it’s become more difficult, because we have to decide what is good.

And we have been arguing about that.

This my dear friends has been hell on loop. And hopefully once we make it through we create heaven.

Before The Day, Before The Light Before The World Revolved Around The Sun / You And I Were Made To Worship, You And I Are Called To Love

There’s only one logical answer for this. There’s only one thing I can even begin to believe.

Mainly because this whole situation has been BEYOND anything that could ever be explained or understood by anyone. It has left me suicidal at times and wondering what is the point of life. Yet at the same time believing in miracles. And therefore, I’ve hated myself.

All I have ever wanted was to love and be loved.

Simple right?

You’d think. But when love is all about trust and faith… the question remains, faith in what? What you think? What you must know to be true? Faith in yourself and your thoughts?

That can no longer be possible for me. Because my thoughts have turned out to be unreliable. I have gotten to the point where I can not even trust the thoughts in my own head. And that is why I wanted to kill myself.

You see I have my own very distinct thoughts. Which I can control and I am happy and satisfied with. They are a true representation of me. But then this other voice comes in. And it’s like all it wants is to tease me, yet it says it loves me. It continually wants me to trust it to no end. It slows down time and ‘we’ converse. ‘We’ agree on things and chat so to speak. ‘We’ admit to our faults and agree to forgive. ‘We’ both acknowledge our stubbornness and the fact that this is fucken messed up and there’s no manual or how to book for what ‘we’re’ going through. Yet ‘we’ continue to fight it.

Maybe because it’s so out there. So not ‘normal’.

I’m decided to put my trust in God. After all this time, and searching since I left the church last summer, part of the voice tells me that I have to trust it. And that since I know good wins, I have to believe it is “good” facilitating all this. And after really thinking about what God is to me, I’ve decided, God is not only the representation of all good, but the creator of it. As well as the creator of evil. ‘God’ to me is the creator of all. The beginning of everything if you will. So for me, God has arranged all of this. And just like in the bible God sent his son to earth, or created man in his image, or created everything for that matter, I feel like things have been put in my mind like this…. so bear with me as I try and get it out….

God to me is the source.

The start of it all. Where dark and light broke into two. Like the intersection of the infinity sign. And then, almost like multiplication, light and dark continued breaking into more pieces, and forming more “words” and “things” yet everything was connected to the source, or “God” as it’s been aptly named through the years. Therefore, us, and our consciousness, are all connected to the source, or to God. Did “God” form us? In a way yes, over the many many years our consciousness’s were molded through all the minds that came before us. Did “God” know our thoughts in the womb before we were born? Yes, because all of our thoughts are joint to those who have come before, and then we continue to expand the universe by creating new thoughts throughout our respective lives.

Everything is in existence because we have created it. Or minds before us created it, or thought it into being and we continued to believe in it. All of us are connected if we would only listen and be aware of the connection. Are we made to worship a “God”? Perhaps. Seems like honoring the initial source that allowed us life in the first place seems proper. Do I think society now-a-days has taken God to a level that is doesn’t need to be? Yes. I think there have been many rules and evils put in many churches or many beliefs that are unnecessary. But I believe that ultimately, we as humans, were made to  honor the source, and in doing so, we are ultimately honoring ourselves as we are all connected.

Damn I just wrote that and my whole body started tingling and my hands wanted to raise up.

I’ve learned that yes, we are made to love. We are made to worship. Because it’s almost like we made ourselves. So in honoring with our life, and our thoughts, we honor the source or God the creator, which is directly worshiping not only good and light and love, but us as well, as we are all connected through infinity.


-Chris Tomlin/Made to Worship-

But I’m On The Outside I’m Looking In I Can See Through You See Your True Colors ‘Cause Inside You’re Ugly You’re Ugly Like Me I Can See Through You See To The Real You

It went too far.

Maybe I”m just being a big scaredy cat, but Saturday night was way too much.

A couple weeks ago, I’d been thinking over and over to him that we really need to just sit down and confirm this… whatever this is. Like we needed to just actually talk to each other. So he eventually came over for a visit, and after dinner and playing with the kids, he “casually” mentioned out of no where that “this isn’t going to work” SO I figured that was his way of bringing up the topic. Why else is he making an offhanded remark like that outta nowhere. And so me in my naiive and trusting ways, told him that although lately had been hard (the connection has been leading to many weird occurrences, some below), we would be able to make it as long as we tried. Then I leaned over to kiss his cheek. I understood that he didn’t want to talk, or maybe even admit what was going on, but I was trying to encourage him and show him the peace we could have, if we at least tried. Instead, he brushed my face away, told me to step back and started calling me all types of names and just generally being pissed at me. So I left the room, and gave him his space, still not 100% sure what his damn problem was/is, but knowing better than to push it at the time. He chilled down in my kitchen for a while doing god knows what, I don’t care, and then finally called a cab for himself after what felt like too many hours later.

Fine. So I left it. For weeks I left it. We didn’t talk. I refused to call him. It was him who lost his temper over me keeping it real which is something he had always asked me to do. So I felt, if he can’t handle the raw realness of what I said, or if it scared him, that’s his fault. It’s definitely his fault for loosing his temper like that, and calling me names for no justifiable reason, or in general, and so the ball was in his court to call me. I felt like if he wanted to be the man, he should be the man and call. An apology would be nice. But he probably felt his actions, however inappropriate, were fine. Not cool.

Anyways, I didn’t call him, and things got worse for me, as we all know from all my recent posts on my main blog: shewassetfree.ca  But that was only a representation of what was happening to me in the physical. The conscious was even worse, and it peaked this past Saturday night.

I was relaxing in my room and the kids were playing downstairs. To be honest, I don’t remember every detail, because I was sooo…. I don’t know? Overwhelmed? In awe? Shocked? Unbelievable for sure, but here’s the coles notes.

I was laying on my bed and I could sense him wanting to communicate. Like my arms got all tingly and the energy just started coursing through me. I felt the world was starting to close in, this was the most intense that this feeling has ever been. I saw the walls actually moving. Then, colour began to fade (no joke), and the walls and items around me became warped so I started to panic. I wanted to make sure my kids were safe, so I walked down to the basement ever so carefully because I felt like my mind was not my own and each step had to be very deliberate and calculated. I got to the basement and they were happily watching TV/playing video games and so I sat beside my son and just touched him. Just to steady my mind and remind myself that I was actually alive. That we were/are alive. But then the hallucinations started. For about 5-10 minutes, I’m not sure, I struggled to keep my wits about me since the room legitimately looked like it was melting or shrinking into itself. I kept having a feeling the K was going to walk in the room at any moment. I actually called out for him once thinking he was around the corner. So I had to remind myself that the doors were locked, and if he wanted to come over, he would call or at the very least have to ring the doorbell to get in.  I tried to pay attention to what my kids were chatting about, but I had to get out of that room, as it was continually shrinking.

I felt that everything I knew, and only that, was what existed. It’s like only if I believed it, it would be true, and everything else was melting away.

I had a huge panic about being in the basement for some reason. It closed my world in and made it very small. It was shrinking  and the outer edges of my vision became black, and I felt like I had to expand my mind and therefore the world. So I then tried to slowly make my way upstairs, in and effort to expand my vision, and therefore my belief, that the whole world does exist. The entire time, I felt K was in my head, and we were talking. While I was walking up, I kept thinking about all the times I’ve traveled outside of my house. Because for that moment, it was like the world only existed in my mind, and so I had to “remember” everything else about the world. I sang the ABC’s to myself and listed all the colours I could remember, and while I did that, it’s like my vision was refreshed. It had faded to shades of grey, but as I intentionally remembered colours I knew, my surroundings became brighter and more colourful. It’s like I was an old black and white movie that had been animated now.

So I made it to my room with both my own thoughts and the other thoughts in my head literally thinking we saved the world by our belief in each other. It’s like if we hadn’t/don’t trust each other, then the world would disappear/melt away/fade to black…take your pick. Ridiculous hey?

But fucking true and felt so real, too real. So in my head, the other thought asked me to send him a picture. Just to verify that we were actually talking to each other. I did, and we both just tried to move on with our night, however normal we could.

Two days later, on Monday night… he called. A thirty second call, but he called. Did he apologize? No. So I’m still so done with him in that way. I’m sick of him pretending that nothing is happening.

I continually give him every indication that he’s asked for in order for him to believe, and to comfort his mind, but he continually denys the affirmation I need to be at peace, which is an actual face to face conversation. Even after being aware of each other’s thoughts, and him having the knowledge that this is what I need to be at peace, he is still pushing me.

So I figure at this point, I NEVER want to feel how I did that Saturday night. I don’t want to be afraid. So maybe we did our job, and saved the world (lol) but I still deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

I won’t settle for anything less. Especially if he knows what I’m thinking, he should understand what I need/want. So I’ve decided that no. No, I no longer trust him. Every time these phenomenal things happened, it would start with us having a conversation about if I trust him or not. And when I do, that’s when my mind stops functioning like normal. It’s like he enters and takes over. And his thoughts are much darker than mine. Which could be why my reality seems to change during those times.

And he would continue pushing the boundaries on how much I trust him, to the point I was calling out his name because I trusted that he was there with me.

So I did trust him. But now, he’s become the boy who cried wolf too many times. I no longer care if we are meant to be whatever. I no longer care who brought this to whom. I don’t care who/what wins. I’m done. That night was more than enough for me.

So, maybe we have been communicating this whole time. Maybe he’s frustrated that I don’t believe it’s him sometimes. But I’m beyond frustrated that at this point we can’t just sit down and talk about it. I need confirmation. I’ve been trying to explain that to him for so long. I need to know! That’s just how my mind works. So if he can’t have a true and meaningful conversation about this, then maybe he’s right. Maybe it won’t work. Because he’s not even willing to try.


-Staind/Outside-