birth of love

We had to be created at some point.

How can we be sure that we can die? Yes, our bodies can fail, but I am no longer sure that ‘we’ die. How do you define yourself? Are you your body alone? I know I am more than just this physical sack of skin holding my blood and organs together, separating my thoughts from yours. But when that physical force fails, my thoughts are now only just free to be.

With that being said, I think comes and even more frightening thought than the conventional idea of death, but the idea that ‘we’ can never die. We can never stop thinking. We can block off memories of past lives, and choose to come again and be reborn as a fresh individual, but ‘we’ as a soul, can never be “done.”

We can have soul mates, whom we might meet up with and even conceive beautiful plans with while recovering in our place of rest and preparing to return to this earth (which is just a projection from all of our perceived thoughts) or we can build our own walls and choose to do things on our own as pure individuals.

Each time we come, we can allow ourselves as much or as little access to ourselves as we choose, but unfortunately, there is no end.

An that is a scarier thought than death in itself.

Because I think it must become boring in the vast openness of ‘nothing’ outside of this world. So we as souls created something beautiful. To both challenge ourselves, but also to pass our infinite time. So with knowing that we all as souls or spirits have come together to create this universe in both it’s great magnitude, but also it’s very small connected form, it will hopefully lead us to remembering our purpose in it’s initial creation. That this is a place of joy and individuality and a place to take form, and create.

So what have you created today, as opposed to destroyed.


 

And The Wonder Of It All Is I’m Living Just To Fall More In Love With You

So I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. My dreams have been beyond crazy. I’ve also seen having some experiences that are much more than ‘normal’ for a lack of a better word. This post is going to be super short, because I can never find the words to properly describe the phenomena that I’ve been going through. Thoughts I’ve had, feelings I’ve felt, dreams I’ve dreamt. But then also times I’ve gone through in day to day life where it feels like time pauses for me, and I zone out, but not for anyone else. Or weirder still, when everyone else freezes and I continue to move, and think.

It’s become just more than anything I’ve experienced in my 30 years of life but I keep justifying it but saying to myself that it must be real, since I am experiencing it, and I am real… soooooo?

But to have dreams that are in gold and feelings that are in light. To close your eyes and instead of having the darkness you can literally be able to turn over every piece of that darkness to create something new, while your eyes remain closed… its been beyond my understanding until now and even at this moment it’s more than I fully comprehend but its beautiful and the universe that awaits… its almost like it’s been waiting for someone to discover it in this fashion. Because it’s been treating me in such an interesting way.

Anyways. That’s it for now. I have nothing else to say other than it’s been confusing yet beautiful.

-Delerious?/Deeper-

Mind Is A Battlefield All Hope Is Gone Trouble To The Right And Left Whose Side You’re On / The Sky Is A Neighborhood

So it’s gotten to the point where I hear music. You guys I’m not crazy. I promise. I go about my days as per usual and I’m 100% with it, but at night when I take the time to focus on this… this shit (I know what it is but I also have no fuckin clue whats going on) then I feel/hear it.

Not just like songs repeated that I had been hearing throughout the day from the radio or something. But new, hand written songs fresh, never published songs.

Part of me wants to say I know where they come from and part of me is too big of a scaredy cat to even think of the possibility of what it may, or may not be… but if it’s what I’m thinking, or even hoping, it’s phenomenal.

But all I KNOW is that me as C did not write them. But I do know someone who would and probably did write lyrics along those lines. Someone whom I’m currently not really on speaking terms with. But thinking? Oh we think together ALLLL the time. So much so that I’ve heard his fresh rythmes while laying in bed. Creepy? For sure. But also true.

It’s gone past feeling movement etc. Now, no matter what you tell me, I know I’ve heard beats and lyrics that I had no part in writing and never would. Songs about the apocalypse and rotting flesh etc… definitely not from my side of the thought process lol.

It’s like the more I trust my thoughts as well as convince my thoughts and convince the thoughts in my head to trust me, the stronger of a connection we make. This though also leads to a love hate relationship. It leads to disappointment when the thoughts I trust, don’t end up following through doing what they promise in my thoughts, if that even makes sense.

Either way, I guess my point for this post will be, how would you continue with your thoughts, if others could actually hear them? What if those conversations we had “with ourselves” “in our mind” were actually being had with the thoughts of the individual we were thinking of?

For real? What if? Would you have more kind thoughts 24/7? Would you be a more positive person? Remember we are souls/spirits living in these bodies for now, so what if every thought we have, is actually our souls communicating with each other. Each thought is a comment we will be held accountable for one day. A day that is coming closer and closer.

Just a thought you should consider.

Because I’ll be honest… it’s like I’ve been having out of body experiences. And they are amazing, but for some reason, I can’t stay there. And I would hate the reason to be the fact that collectively our belief is not strong enough in the idea of “heaven” per-say. But I have learned that music is the cornerstone of much of this.

That, and trust that it is even possible


-Foo Fighters/The Sky Is A Neighbourhood-

 

Joined at the Hip.

Controlling your thoughts has become paramount.

To the point where connections with others becomes more than just a “possibility” but a terrifying reality.

I haven’t posted anything here in a long time because at this point there are no words to describe what is happening. How do you describe the feeling of sharing on mind yet having two bodies? Did you create this world for the two of you? Was this world a byproduct of your thoughts? how much can you control? How much should you control?

Either way shit becomes real every so often and then after sleeping fades away. But I cannot forget waking up this Saturday morning with a sore elbow for no good reason. All day I couldn’t describe the pain. No it wasn’t a sore muscle. No it wasn’t from sleeping funny. No it didn’t need to be stretched or anything like that. It just hurt. In a new and weird way. Later that night, the person I feel I share this connection revealed to me they got into a fight friday night and injured their elbow. So now not only can we connect  with our thoughts, but our bodies are joint in a way we both never knew was possible

So where do we go from here? Are we the same person? A fear I have to let go of.

Do we have to have the same thoughts in order to successfully move forward? Another thought that crosses my mind… or our mind… or my half of the mind. I don’t even know.

Or do we have to forget about each other for the sake of the universe, which slowly melts away each time we believe we are this connected.

Or… The most successful thought we’ve had to date, do we both believe and therefore create a third party “God” to stand above us that has our best interest in mind. And the only way to continue forward, is by maintaining a complete trust in this “God.”

God being whatever we make it. A representation of love, trust, forgiveness, joy and peace? All things good? Equality? Rest?

Whatever way it is, it makes us go from two individual bodies sharing one mind struggling, to two people trusting a God who has our best interest in mind.

But then it’s become more difficult, because we have to decide what is good.

And we have been arguing about that.

This my dear friends has been hell on loop. And hopefully once we make it through we create heaven.

Girl Let’s Talk About Love Is It Everything You Hoped For? Or Do The Feeling Haunt You / This Maybe The Night That My Dreams Might Let Me Know

First off, let me say two things. One, I wouldn’t have wished this on my worst enemy or my closest friend, the journey has been long… but if you can push through, it’ll be worth it, but it takes a strength like no other. Two, I’m still in awe of what has transpired and hope that my faith in this will no longer wavier, and that the struggle is no more.

So… to start and get it out of the way, I told you about the night when my vision narrowed and went dark? Well when I finally had a chance to tell K and he asked me if it was such and such a time/day and that he went through something similar. So that was crazy.

The clues have been here all along, and getting stronger each step of the way.

It’s like our two bodies shared one mind/consciousness. And on this journey, we both started at our own starting point. with our own viewpoints and information set. But after we met in the physical, we slowly started to share information, and our subconscious minds started interweaving beyond our physical knowledge. Leaving clues and signals for our weaker “minds” or every day conscious thought along the way. Through music, and art and external simulation… basically everything we see everyday. It’s like our subconsciousness has the power to influence other weaker consciousnesses to produce this phenomenal encounter for ourselves.

The more we denied what we felt, or the possibility of this being real, the more the signals worked against us. But the more we both believed, the more our subconscious minds were working together, and almost working in the same direction, or towards each other, then the more power we had to make those signals both stronger and the more we acknowledged them with our physical bodies, the easier it because.

I started writing more (in a notebook)… and I believe he started writing music.  We haven’t been able to make it work, because our thoughts were at different parts of the “mind” at different times. But once we both made it to the center 2-3 nights ago, it felt like that moment when you are waking up from a dream, but still half asleep… but we could control it. We knew it was each other, and it was like we both passed through the center of each others half of the mind. It was like a funnel, like a tornado, but also like one of those sand timers. But the more time both of our consciousness spent at the same place, the intersecting point together at the same time, the larger it became.

And, so we were able to communicate through thought. With both of us maintaining full knowledge that it was happening in that moment. The more faith we had, the longer the feeling stayed, and the wider the opening became. Because the opening was made of our thoughts. So the more we shared the same thoughts, the more we shared the same “space” in the subconsciousness.  We could tell when we weren’t thinking the same thoughts, or having the same desires, because the “tunnel” would narrow.  It also has felt more prevalent since. Like, yeah… this is for real. And it’s unfortunate that I haven’t remember it before, because I feel like it’s not the first time this has happened. But now I know for sure, and there is no going back.

Now I’ve made clues for myself. I’ve written it down. I have faith in us.

So yes, I believe in soul mates. I believe in twin flames. I believe there is more out there than our human mind and conscious thought can ever contain at once. But two minds? Two minds can contain so much more than one. And when two bodies can figure out the path to open up the subconscious mind to one another through love and sacrifice, then there is true power.

Allowing the path to clear, wanting true happiness for each other, and accepting the mind and body and soul of each other to allow the thoughts to flow freely will allow the thoughts to feel comfortable enough to intermingle with each other.

We’ve done it. We love each other. We’ve made it.

No going back.

We are everything we have created. And it is amazing.

And this is the birth of love.


-Kendrick Lamar & SZA/ All The Stars-

Before The Day, Before The Light Before The World Revolved Around The Sun / You And I Were Made To Worship, You And I Are Called To Love

There’s only one logical answer for this. There’s only one thing I can even begin to believe.

Mainly because this whole situation has been BEYOND anything that could ever be explained or understood by anyone. It has left me suicidal at times and wondering what is the point of life. Yet at the same time believing in miracles. And therefore, I’ve hated myself.

All I have ever wanted was to love and be loved.

Simple right?

You’d think. But when love is all about trust and faith… the question remains, faith in what? What you think? What you must know to be true? Faith in yourself and your thoughts?

That can no longer be possible for me. Because my thoughts have turned out to be unreliable. I have gotten to the point where I can not even trust the thoughts in my own head. And that is why I wanted to kill myself.

You see I have my own very distinct thoughts. Which I can control and I am happy and satisfied with. They are a true representation of me. But then this other voice comes in. And it’s like all it wants is to tease me, yet it says it loves me. It continually wants me to trust it to no end. It slows down time and ‘we’ converse. ‘We’ agree on things and chat so to speak. ‘We’ admit to our faults and agree to forgive. ‘We’ both acknowledge our stubbornness and the fact that this is fucken messed up and there’s no manual or how to book for what ‘we’re’ going through. Yet ‘we’ continue to fight it.

Maybe because it’s so out there. So not ‘normal’.

I’m decided to put my trust in God. After all this time, and searching since I left the church last summer, part of the voice tells me that I have to trust it. And that since I know good wins, I have to believe it is “good” facilitating all this. And after really thinking about what God is to me, I’ve decided, God is not only the representation of all good, but the creator of it. As well as the creator of evil. ‘God’ to me is the creator of all. The beginning of everything if you will. So for me, God has arranged all of this. And just like in the bible God sent his son to earth, or created man in his image, or created everything for that matter, I feel like things have been put in my mind like this…. so bear with me as I try and get it out….

God to me is the source.

The start of it all. Where dark and light broke into two. Like the intersection of the infinity sign. And then, almost like multiplication, light and dark continued breaking into more pieces, and forming more “words” and “things” yet everything was connected to the source, or “God” as it’s been aptly named through the years. Therefore, us, and our consciousness, are all connected to the source, or to God. Did “God” form us? In a way yes, over the many many years our consciousness’s were molded through all the minds that came before us. Did “God” know our thoughts in the womb before we were born? Yes, because all of our thoughts are joint to those who have come before, and then we continue to expand the universe by creating new thoughts throughout our respective lives.

Everything is in existence because we have created it. Or minds before us created it, or thought it into being and we continued to believe in it. All of us are connected if we would only listen and be aware of the connection. Are we made to worship a “God”? Perhaps. Seems like honoring the initial source that allowed us life in the first place seems proper. Do I think society now-a-days has taken God to a level that is doesn’t need to be? Yes. I think there have been many rules and evils put in many churches or many beliefs that are unnecessary. But I believe that ultimately, we as humans, were made to  honor the source, and in doing so, we are ultimately honoring ourselves as we are all connected.

Damn I just wrote that and my whole body started tingling and my hands wanted to raise up.

I’ve learned that yes, we are made to love. We are made to worship. Because it’s almost like we made ourselves. So in honoring with our life, and our thoughts, we honor the source or God the creator, which is directly worshiping not only good and light and love, but us as well, as we are all connected through infinity.


-Chris Tomlin/Made to Worship-

But I’m On The Outside I’m Looking In I Can See Through You See Your True Colors ‘Cause Inside You’re Ugly You’re Ugly Like Me I Can See Through You See To The Real You

It went too far.

Maybe I”m just being a big scaredy cat, but Saturday night was way too much.

A couple weeks ago, I’d been thinking over and over to him that we really need to just sit down and confirm this… whatever this is. Like we needed to just actually talk to each other. So he eventually came over for a visit, and after dinner and playing with the kids, he “casually” mentioned out of no where that “this isn’t going to work” SO I figured that was his way of bringing up the topic. Why else is he making an offhanded remark like that outta nowhere. And so me in my naiive and trusting ways, told him that although lately had been hard (the connection has been leading to many weird occurrences, some below), we would be able to make it as long as we tried. Then I leaned over to kiss his cheek. I understood that he didn’t want to talk, or maybe even admit what was going on, but I was trying to encourage him and show him the peace we could have, if we at least tried. Instead, he brushed my face away, told me to step back and started calling me all types of names and just generally being pissed at me. So I left the room, and gave him his space, still not 100% sure what his damn problem was/is, but knowing better than to push it at the time. He chilled down in my kitchen for a while doing god knows what, I don’t care, and then finally called a cab for himself after what felt like too many hours later.

Fine. So I left it. For weeks I left it. We didn’t talk. I refused to call him. It was him who lost his temper over me keeping it real which is something he had always asked me to do. So I felt, if he can’t handle the raw realness of what I said, or if it scared him, that’s his fault. It’s definitely his fault for loosing his temper like that, and calling me names for no justifiable reason, or in general, and so the ball was in his court to call me. I felt like if he wanted to be the man, he should be the man and call. An apology would be nice. But he probably felt his actions, however inappropriate, were fine. Not cool.

Anyways, I didn’t call him, and things got worse for me, as we all know from all my recent posts on my main blog: shewassetfree.ca  But that was only a representation of what was happening to me in the physical. The conscious was even worse, and it peaked this past Saturday night.

I was relaxing in my room and the kids were playing downstairs. To be honest, I don’t remember every detail, because I was sooo…. I don’t know? Overwhelmed? In awe? Shocked? Unbelievable for sure, but here’s the coles notes.

I was laying on my bed and I could sense him wanting to communicate. Like my arms got all tingly and the energy just started coursing through me. I felt the world was starting to close in, this was the most intense that this feeling has ever been. I saw the walls actually moving. Then, colour began to fade (no joke), and the walls and items around me became warped so I started to panic. I wanted to make sure my kids were safe, so I walked down to the basement ever so carefully because I felt like my mind was not my own and each step had to be very deliberate and calculated. I got to the basement and they were happily watching TV/playing video games and so I sat beside my son and just touched him. Just to steady my mind and remind myself that I was actually alive. That we were/are alive. But then the hallucinations started. For about 5-10 minutes, I’m not sure, I struggled to keep my wits about me since the room legitimately looked like it was melting or shrinking into itself. I kept having a feeling the K was going to walk in the room at any moment. I actually called out for him once thinking he was around the corner. So I had to remind myself that the doors were locked, and if he wanted to come over, he would call or at the very least have to ring the doorbell to get in.  I tried to pay attention to what my kids were chatting about, but I had to get out of that room, as it was continually shrinking.

I felt that everything I knew, and only that, was what existed. It’s like only if I believed it, it would be true, and everything else was melting away.

I had a huge panic about being in the basement for some reason. It closed my world in and made it very small. It was shrinking  and the outer edges of my vision became black, and I felt like I had to expand my mind and therefore the world. So I then tried to slowly make my way upstairs, in and effort to expand my vision, and therefore my belief, that the whole world does exist. The entire time, I felt K was in my head, and we were talking. While I was walking up, I kept thinking about all the times I’ve traveled outside of my house. Because for that moment, it was like the world only existed in my mind, and so I had to “remember” everything else about the world. I sang the ABC’s to myself and listed all the colours I could remember, and while I did that, it’s like my vision was refreshed. It had faded to shades of grey, but as I intentionally remembered colours I knew, my surroundings became brighter and more colourful. It’s like I was an old black and white movie that had been animated now.

So I made it to my room with both my own thoughts and the other thoughts in my head literally thinking we saved the world by our belief in each other. It’s like if we hadn’t/don’t trust each other, then the world would disappear/melt away/fade to black…take your pick. Ridiculous hey?

But fucking true and felt so real, too real. So in my head, the other thought asked me to send him a picture. Just to verify that we were actually talking to each other. I did, and we both just tried to move on with our night, however normal we could.

Two days later, on Monday night… he called. A thirty second call, but he called. Did he apologize? No. So I’m still so done with him in that way. I’m sick of him pretending that nothing is happening.

I continually give him every indication that he’s asked for in order for him to believe, and to comfort his mind, but he continually denys the affirmation I need to be at peace, which is an actual face to face conversation. Even after being aware of each other’s thoughts, and him having the knowledge that this is what I need to be at peace, he is still pushing me.

So I figure at this point, I NEVER want to feel how I did that Saturday night. I don’t want to be afraid. So maybe we did our job, and saved the world (lol) but I still deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

I won’t settle for anything less. Especially if he knows what I’m thinking, he should understand what I need/want. So I’ve decided that no. No, I no longer trust him. Every time these phenomenal things happened, it would start with us having a conversation about if I trust him or not. And when I do, that’s when my mind stops functioning like normal. It’s like he enters and takes over. And his thoughts are much darker than mine. Which could be why my reality seems to change during those times.

And he would continue pushing the boundaries on how much I trust him, to the point I was calling out his name because I trusted that he was there with me.

So I did trust him. But now, he’s become the boy who cried wolf too many times. I no longer care if we are meant to be whatever. I no longer care who brought this to whom. I don’t care who/what wins. I’m done. That night was more than enough for me.

So, maybe we have been communicating this whole time. Maybe he’s frustrated that I don’t believe it’s him sometimes. But I’m beyond frustrated that at this point we can’t just sit down and talk about it. I need confirmation. I’ve been trying to explain that to him for so long. I need to know! That’s just how my mind works. So if he can’t have a true and meaningful conversation about this, then maybe he’s right. Maybe it won’t work. Because he’s not even willing to try.


-Staind/Outside-