Month: February 2018

And So It Begins.

I know.

I know it’s been to long.

But this journey has been long and winding to say the least. The very least.

First, let me preface this by explaining that this has all been a very real and true experience. Everything I’ve described here in previous posts has happened, and been felt and enjoyed and feared and believed by me… and others.

Do I think I’m at the end? Maybe of this phase, which is why I feel ready to write about it again. Because I honestly had no idea where this was headed or why I was chosen to be part of this for so long.

But each day over the past few weeks it has become more real to me. To the point that I’m good now. I’m good with everyone knowing. I’m good in the freedom I have found. I’m good with the love I have discovered. For myself first and foremost, and for K, and for my kids and for those around me.

I won’t delve into it to much in this post, but I will let you know that I’ve discovered so much recently. I’m writing now to hold myself accountable. To let you know that I will be doing my best to write about what I have experienced over the past few weeks, and share my mind with you. But please be patient as I know it will not be easy since what I’ve gone through, and what I am learning, is not easily explained in the vocabulary we understand here.

Thank you all for checking in, I will be here more. If you’re interested, you can see a little of what has transpired in my everyday life, as they are linked, on my other blog.

http://www.shewassetfree.com

Be back soon!

C.

Before The Day, Before The Light Before The World Revolved Around The Sun / You And I Were Made To Worship, You And I Are Called To Love

There’s only one logical answer for this. There’s only one thing I can even begin to believe.

Mainly because this whole situation has been BEYOND anything that could ever be explained or understood by anyone. It has left me suicidal at times and wondering what is the point of life. Yet at the same time believing in miracles. And therefore, I’ve hated myself.

All I have ever wanted was to love and be loved.

Simple right?

You’d think. But when love is all about trust and faith… the question remains, faith in what? What you think? What you must know to be true? Faith in yourself and your thoughts?

That can no longer be possible for me. Because my thoughts have turned out to be unreliable. I have gotten to the point where I can not even trust the thoughts in my own head. And that is why I wanted to kill myself.

You see I have my own very distinct thoughts. Which I can control and I am happy and satisfied with. They are a true representation of me. But then this other voice comes in. And it’s like all it wants is to tease me, yet it says it loves me. It continually wants me to trust it to no end. It slows down time and ‘we’ converse. ‘We’ agree on things and chat so to speak. ‘We’ admit to our faults and agree to forgive. ‘We’ both acknowledge our stubbornness and the fact that this is fucken messed up and there’s no manual or how to book for what ‘we’re’ going through. Yet ‘we’ continue to fight it.

Maybe because it’s so out there. So not ‘normal’.

I’m decided to put my trust in God. After all this time, and searching since I left the church last summer, part of the voice tells me that I have to trust it. And that since I know good wins, I have to believe it is “good” facilitating all this. And after really thinking about what God is to me, I’ve decided, God is not only the representation of all good, but the creator of it. As well as the creator of evil. ‘God’ to me is the creator of all. The beginning of everything if you will. So for me, God has arranged all of this. And just like in the bible God sent his son to earth, or created man in his image, or created everything for that matter, I feel like things have been put in my mind like this…. so bear with me as I try and get it out….

God to me is the source.

The start of it all. Where dark and light broke into two. Like the intersection of the infinity sign. And then, almost like multiplication, light and dark continued breaking into more pieces, and forming more “words” and “things” yet everything was connected to the source, or “God” as it’s been aptly named through the years. Therefore, us, and our consciousness, are all connected to the source, or to God. Did “God” form us? In a way yes, over the many many years our consciousness’s were molded through all the minds that came before us. Did “God” know our thoughts in the womb before we were born? Yes, because all of our thoughts are joint to those who have come before, and then we continue to expand the universe by creating new thoughts throughout our respective lives.

Everything is in existence because we have created it. Or minds before us created it, or thought it into being and we continued to believe in it. All of us are connected if we would only listen and be aware of the connection. Are we made to worship a “God”? Perhaps. Seems like honoring the initial source that allowed us life in the first place seems proper. Do I think society now-a-days has taken God to a level that is doesn’t need to be? Yes. I think there have been many rules and evils put in many churches or many beliefs that are unnecessary. But I believe that ultimately, we as humans, were made to¬† honor the source, and in doing so, we are ultimately honoring ourselves as we are all connected.

Damn I just wrote that and my whole body started tingling and my hands wanted to raise up.

I’ve learned that yes, we are made to love. We are made to worship. Because it’s almost like we made ourselves. So in honoring with our life, and our thoughts, we honor the source or God the creator, which is directly worshiping not only good and light and love, but us as well, as we are all connected through infinity.


-Chris Tomlin/Made to Worship-