But I’m On The Outside I’m Looking In I Can See Through You See Your True Colors ‘Cause Inside You’re Ugly You’re Ugly Like Me I Can See Through You See To The Real You

It went too far.

Maybe I”m just being a big scaredy cat, but Saturday night was way too much.

A couple weeks ago, I’d been thinking over and over to him that we really need to just sit down and confirm this… whatever this is. Like we needed to just actually talk to each other. So he eventually came over for a visit, and after dinner and playing with the kids, he “casually” mentioned out of no where that “this isn’t going to work” SO I figured that was his way of bringing up the topic. Why else is he making an offhanded remark like that outta nowhere. And so me in my naiive and trusting ways, told him that although lately had been hard (the connection has been leading to many weird occurrences, some below), we would be able to make it as long as we tried. Then I leaned over to kiss his cheek. I understood that he didn’t want to talk, or maybe even admit what was going on, but I was trying to encourage him and show him the peace we could have, if we at least tried. Instead, he brushed my face away, told me to step back and started calling me all types of names and just generally being pissed at me. So I left the room, and gave him his space, still not 100% sure what his damn problem was/is, but knowing better than to push it at the time. He chilled down in my kitchen for a while doing god knows what, I don’t care, and then finally called a cab for himself after what felt like too many hours later.

Fine. So I left it. For weeks I left it. We didn’t talk. I refused to call him. It was him who lost his temper over me keeping it real which is something he had always asked me to do. So I felt, if he can’t handle the raw realness of what I said, or if it scared him, that’s his fault. It’s definitely his fault for loosing his temper like that, and calling me names for no justifiable reason, or in general, and so the ball was in his court to call me. I felt like if he wanted to be the man, he should be the man and call. An apology would be nice. But he probably felt his actions, however inappropriate, were fine. Not cool.

Anyways, I didn’t call him, and things got worse for me, as we all know from all my recent posts on my main blog: shewassetfree.ca  But that was only a representation of what was happening to me in the physical. The conscious was even worse, and it peaked this past Saturday night.

I was relaxing in my room and the kids were playing downstairs. To be honest, I don’t remember every detail, because I was sooo…. I don’t know? Overwhelmed? In awe? Shocked? Unbelievable for sure, but here’s the coles notes.

I was laying on my bed and I could sense him wanting to communicate. Like my arms got all tingly and the energy just started coursing through me. I felt the world was starting to close in, this was the most intense that this feeling has ever been. I saw the walls actually moving. Then, colour began to fade (no joke), and the walls and items around me became warped so I started to panic. I wanted to make sure my kids were safe, so I walked down to the basement ever so carefully because I felt like my mind was not my own and each step had to be very deliberate and calculated. I got to the basement and they were happily watching TV/playing video games and so I sat beside my son and just touched him. Just to steady my mind and remind myself that I was actually alive. That we were/are alive. But then the hallucinations started. For about 5-10 minutes, I’m not sure, I struggled to keep my wits about me since the room legitimately looked like it was melting or shrinking into itself. I kept having a feeling the K was going to walk in the room at any moment. I actually called out for him once thinking he was around the corner. So I had to remind myself that the doors were locked, and if he wanted to come over, he would call or at the very least have to ring the doorbell to get in.  I tried to pay attention to what my kids were chatting about, but I had to get out of that room, as it was continually shrinking.

I felt that everything I knew, and only that, was what existed. It’s like only if I believed it, it would be true, and everything else was melting away.

I had a huge panic about being in the basement for some reason. It closed my world in and made it very small. It was shrinking  and the outer edges of my vision became black, and I felt like I had to expand my mind and therefore the world. So I then tried to slowly make my way upstairs, in and effort to expand my vision, and therefore my belief, that the whole world does exist. The entire time, I felt K was in my head, and we were talking. While I was walking up, I kept thinking about all the times I’ve traveled outside of my house. Because for that moment, it was like the world only existed in my mind, and so I had to “remember” everything else about the world. I sang the ABC’s to myself and listed all the colours I could remember, and while I did that, it’s like my vision was refreshed. It had faded to shades of grey, but as I intentionally remembered colours I knew, my surroundings became brighter and more colourful. It’s like I was an old black and white movie that had been animated now.

So I made it to my room with both my own thoughts and the other thoughts in my head literally thinking we saved the world by our belief in each other. It’s like if we hadn’t/don’t trust each other, then the world would disappear/melt away/fade to black…take your pick. Ridiculous hey?

But fucking true and felt so real, too real. So in my head, the other thought asked me to send him a picture. Just to verify that we were actually talking to each other. I did, and we both just tried to move on with our night, however normal we could.

Two days later, on Monday night… he called. A thirty second call, but he called. Did he apologize? No. So I’m still so done with him in that way. I’m sick of him pretending that nothing is happening.

I continually give him every indication that he’s asked for in order for him to believe, and to comfort his mind, but he continually denys the affirmation I need to be at peace, which is an actual face to face conversation. Even after being aware of each other’s thoughts, and him having the knowledge that this is what I need to be at peace, he is still pushing me.

So I figure at this point, I NEVER want to feel how I did that Saturday night. I don’t want to be afraid. So maybe we did our job, and saved the world (lol) but I still deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

I won’t settle for anything less. Especially if he knows what I’m thinking, he should understand what I need/want. So I’ve decided that no. No, I no longer trust him. Every time these phenomenal things happened, it would start with us having a conversation about if I trust him or not. And when I do, that’s when my mind stops functioning like normal. It’s like he enters and takes over. And his thoughts are much darker than mine. Which could be why my reality seems to change during those times.

And he would continue pushing the boundaries on how much I trust him, to the point I was calling out his name because I trusted that he was there with me.

So I did trust him. But now, he’s become the boy who cried wolf too many times. I no longer care if we are meant to be whatever. I no longer care who brought this to whom. I don’t care who/what wins. I’m done. That night was more than enough for me.

So, maybe we have been communicating this whole time. Maybe he’s frustrated that I don’t believe it’s him sometimes. But I’m beyond frustrated that at this point we can’t just sit down and talk about it. I need confirmation. I’ve been trying to explain that to him for so long. I need to know! That’s just how my mind works. So if he can’t have a true and meaningful conversation about this, then maybe he’s right. Maybe it won’t work. Because he’s not even willing to try.


-Staind/Outside-

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