Month: January 2018

But I’m On The Outside I’m Looking In I Can See Through You See Your True Colors ‘Cause Inside You’re Ugly You’re Ugly Like Me I Can See Through You See To The Real You

It went too far.

Maybe I”m just being a big scaredy cat, but Saturday night was way too much.

A couple weeks ago, I’d been thinking over and over to him that we really need to just sit down and confirm this… whatever this is. Like we needed to just actually talk to each other. So he eventually came over for a visit, and after dinner and playing with the kids, he “casually” mentioned out of no where that “this isn’t going to work” SO I figured that was his way of bringing up the topic. Why else is he making an offhanded remark like that outta nowhere. And so me in my naiive and trusting ways, told him that although lately had been hard (the connection has been leading to many weird occurrences, some below), we would be able to make it as long as we tried. Then I leaned over to kiss his cheek. I understood that he didn’t want to talk, or maybe even admit what was going on, but I was trying to encourage him and show him the peace we could have, if we at least tried. Instead, he brushed my face away, told me to step back and started calling me all types of names and just generally being pissed at me. So I left the room, and gave him his space, still not 100% sure what his damn problem was/is, but knowing better than to push it at the time. He chilled down in my kitchen for a while doing god knows what, I don’t care, and then finally called a cab for himself after what felt like too many hours later.

Fine. So I left it. For weeks I left it. We didn’t talk. I refused to call him. It was him who lost his temper over me keeping it real which is something he had always asked me to do. So I felt, if he can’t handle the raw realness of what I said, or if it scared him, that’s his fault. It’s definitely his fault for loosing his temper like that, and calling me names for no justifiable reason, or in general, and so the ball was in his court to call me. I felt like if he wanted to be the man, he should be the man and call. An apology would be nice. But he probably felt his actions, however inappropriate, were fine. Not cool.

Anyways, I didn’t call him, and things got worse for me, as we all know from all my recent posts on my main blog: shewassetfree.ca  But that was only a representation of what was happening to me in the physical. The conscious was even worse, and it peaked this past Saturday night.

I was relaxing in my room and the kids were playing downstairs. To be honest, I don’t remember every detail, because I was sooo…. I don’t know? Overwhelmed? In awe? Shocked? Unbelievable for sure, but here’s the coles notes.

I was laying on my bed and I could sense him wanting to communicate. Like my arms got all tingly and the energy just started coursing through me. I felt the world was starting to close in, this was the most intense that this feeling has ever been. I saw the walls actually moving. Then, colour began to fade (no joke), and the walls and items around me became warped so I started to panic. I wanted to make sure my kids were safe, so I walked down to the basement ever so carefully because I felt like my mind was not my own and each step had to be very deliberate and calculated. I got to the basement and they were happily watching TV/playing video games and so I sat beside my son and just touched him. Just to steady my mind and remind myself that I was actually alive. That we were/are alive. But then the hallucinations started. For about 5-10 minutes, I’m not sure, I struggled to keep my wits about me since the room legitimately looked like it was melting or shrinking into itself. I kept having a feeling the K was going to walk in the room at any moment. I actually called out for him once thinking he was around the corner. So I had to remind myself that the doors were locked, and if he wanted to come over, he would call or at the very least have to ring the doorbell to get in.  I tried to pay attention to what my kids were chatting about, but I had to get out of that room, as it was continually shrinking.

I felt that everything I knew, and only that, was what existed. It’s like only if I believed it, it would be true, and everything else was melting away.

I had a huge panic about being in the basement for some reason. It closed my world in and made it very small. It was shrinking  and the outer edges of my vision became black, and I felt like I had to expand my mind and therefore the world. So I then tried to slowly make my way upstairs, in and effort to expand my vision, and therefore my belief, that the whole world does exist. The entire time, I felt K was in my head, and we were talking. While I was walking up, I kept thinking about all the times I’ve traveled outside of my house. Because for that moment, it was like the world only existed in my mind, and so I had to “remember” everything else about the world. I sang the ABC’s to myself and listed all the colours I could remember, and while I did that, it’s like my vision was refreshed. It had faded to shades of grey, but as I intentionally remembered colours I knew, my surroundings became brighter and more colourful. It’s like I was an old black and white movie that had been animated now.

So I made it to my room with both my own thoughts and the other thoughts in my head literally thinking we saved the world by our belief in each other. It’s like if we hadn’t/don’t trust each other, then the world would disappear/melt away/fade to black…take your pick. Ridiculous hey?

But fucking true and felt so real, too real. So in my head, the other thought asked me to send him a picture. Just to verify that we were actually talking to each other. I did, and we both just tried to move on with our night, however normal we could.

Two days later, on Monday night… he called. A thirty second call, but he called. Did he apologize? No. So I’m still so done with him in that way. I’m sick of him pretending that nothing is happening.

I continually give him every indication that he’s asked for in order for him to believe, and to comfort his mind, but he continually denys the affirmation I need to be at peace, which is an actual face to face conversation. Even after being aware of each other’s thoughts, and him having the knowledge that this is what I need to be at peace, he is still pushing me.

So I figure at this point, I NEVER want to feel how I did that Saturday night. I don’t want to be afraid. So maybe we did our job, and saved the world (lol) but I still deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

I won’t settle for anything less. Especially if he knows what I’m thinking, he should understand what I need/want. So I’ve decided that no. No, I no longer trust him. Every time these phenomenal things happened, it would start with us having a conversation about if I trust him or not. And when I do, that’s when my mind stops functioning like normal. It’s like he enters and takes over. And his thoughts are much darker than mine. Which could be why my reality seems to change during those times.

And he would continue pushing the boundaries on how much I trust him, to the point I was calling out his name because I trusted that he was there with me.

So I did trust him. But now, he’s become the boy who cried wolf too many times. I no longer care if we are meant to be whatever. I no longer care who brought this to whom. I don’t care who/what wins. I’m done. That night was more than enough for me.

So, maybe we have been communicating this whole time. Maybe he’s frustrated that I don’t believe it’s him sometimes. But I’m beyond frustrated that at this point we can’t just sit down and talk about it. I need confirmation. I’ve been trying to explain that to him for so long. I need to know! That’s just how my mind works. So if he can’t have a true and meaningful conversation about this, then maybe he’s right. Maybe it won’t work. Because he’s not even willing to try.


-Staind/Outside-

If I Told You This Was Only Gonna Hurt If I Warned You That The Fire’s Gonna Burn Would You Let Me Do It First? Do It All In The Name Of Love

It’s undeniable.

The connection we have. K has on a few occasions now mentioned things in person to me that were in connection to things that I never told him in person or over the phone, but we had ‘mental conversations’ about. And he and I both recognize the discrepancies.

And I think it’s disturbing to him. I get it. I went hrough months of “Am I crazy/ maybe I should kill myself” before I even attempted to start embracing this.

So we’ve had some interesting conversations these last few weeks to say the least. Some where I was maybe thinking things, and he would be leading me on with comments or “sound effects” while playing with the kids to get my thoughts in the ‘right’ direction. Or it seems like every song that plays or TV show/movie is directly related to what is going on with us, speaking into my life and what is going on during that exact moment.

It’s been difficult. Neither of us has been sleeping well, since the subconscious never stops. It’s almost like the more we believe, or trust this, the more places there is for it to fall apart, and that’s scary. I personally have had moments where I felt like my world has actually started fading away, both in colour, size, feel… everything, and I felt I had to actively choose to believe in what I KNEW was real, just to keep it around. The mind is a strong thing that’s for sure.

It had been going well since at least Christmas Eve. We can communicate both physically (obviously) as well as mentally, at least I believe. But what we both need to recognize is that we cannot, in any way control each other. We have to leave choice to the individual.

We have to find the balance in love.

I KNOW good wins. I’ve somehow known this from the start. Whether this is something we decided together or what, I’m not sure. All I know is that I have faith in us. Enough faith that I’m still alive. Not that I think K would ever hurt me, that’s not the issue. But I have enough faith in this situation, that I think our worlds could have depended on it today.

I was literally lying on my bed this afternoon, and I’m not sure if we were both considering this at the same time or what, but imagine the following.

What if everything in your ENTIRE world, was based upon a collective consciousness. One ‘thought’ that originally formed from one consciousness. That ‘thought’ separated into two, and then reincarnated into four and eight and so on. Whether that original thing was a ‘thought’ or it was just there or whatever, it somehow separated into itself (perhaps big-bang style, or just because it was able to and wanted to, and there are possibly more out there, like stars in the sky). Then it did it again, and over and over until something more tangible arose. Like light/darkness or stars/sky, and so it continued. Enter humans.

Meaning, ultimately, all humans would share the same source consciousness. There would be no “God” but we, by just being human, would have the ability to be connected to ‘The source” named whatever you like. If calling it God works best for you, have at it. If worshiping nature and all those elements that came before stirs your soul, then by all means go ahead etc. etc.

What I think is most important, is the recognition that we are all connected. We come from the same place. Meaning EVERY thought you’ve ever thought is true and exists just because you have THOUGHT it. Aliens? If you thought it, it’s true. Angels? Somewhere out there just by saying the word, which leads us to demons, again, must be real. Yes there are definitely MAJOR good and evil forces at play, because we as a collective consciousness all believe those to be true, and therefore give them power. But what else do we believe to be true? What else can we create for ourselves if we have allowed the world and creation to come this far?

If we as a unit of minds and thoughts have created this world, then what else can we create?

Anything. If we believe enough to create it, trust it, and hold onto it. But I don’t think it can be anything so crazy that it would go against the majority of humanities collective consciousness. We cannot, on our own, imagine time to stand still because 7 billion people believe time as a very important idea that exists, unless perhaps your faith, trust and belief in your OWN thoughts was strong enough.

I believe that the greatest thought of all, though, is love, for a myriad of reasons. First because it builds up creation as a whole. When has showing true, selfless love, ever hurt someone? Also, because I think the majority of humanity believes in it, and therefore it holds the most power in the collective consciousness. Therefore, when you tap into the power of love, you are joining forces with the majority, whether you know it or not.

So imagine the ultimate sacrifice, dying for someone you love, think of what kind of power THAT love would yield? Or even better yet? When two people involved are willing to die for each other, really and truly? Two people honestly ready to die for the person they love. That’s love. That’s unstoppable. That’s power maybe yet to be seen on this earth. That’s like two Jesus’s fighting it out to be scarified on the cross.

To add even more depth to that, what if the truest form of a twin flame, is two human forms, who’s souls were created from the original split, or the original big bang if you will. Which is why, yes there has been so much creation since (the entire universe) and since the collective consciousness remaining within the earth will hold up the balance of the world, with or without the love of the twin flames therefore it is not necessary for these two souls to be together. But the mental battle they are going through is like nothing ever witnessed before. Because they literally have seen everything in creation up until that point in their respective pasts, yet each has entirely different histories.

So who wins?

And why, knowing the power they can have, would they deny themselves this opportunity? Because who know how many billions of year before the two souls from the start will meet on this earth again.

We know good wins, that’s been revealed to us. And that this is the birth of love, the most powerful energy available.

But why fight over who dies?

When we know one has already chosen to sacrifice. I’ve accepted it. Because it was in the past. Does it make you mad that I accepted it so readily? Do you want me to fight more?

Is that why our discussion consisted of it won’t work? Or is the mind battle becoming to much. Should we continue to fight it? Because I’m about worn out by all this back and forth.

I think we should just accept that love wins. That good wins. That this is the birth of love.

Something that was predetermined long before we got here. And we don’t know where it is going, because each individual makes their own choices. But love wins.

And I love you, no matter what. I love you.


-Bebe Rexha, Martin Garrix/All In The Name Of Love-