Month: December 2017

If I Gave You My Devotion Like I Should Have When You Were Mine? Would You Take It Would You Hold It? Would You Say I Didn’t Make It On Time.

Last night I felt like the battle was growing stronger, it’s like I’ve leveled up in this shit… and it made me just want to give up and sacrifice my life for whatever this is. Because I know only one side can win. And I do know good will win, I’ve been told that it does, but am I representative of good? Or does good winning mean I die?

Let me try explaining some more using what pictures and words I can, because normally I use hand gestures etc, which obviously won’t work in this case.



Imagine these shells, but with their smaller tips touching. So you have two shells with the centers touching, and spiraling out from there. Imagine a bow-tie look, or more specifically…the infinity sign.

So where the centers are touching, that would represent the intersecting point on the infinity point, where all of everything starts and ends, because like I attempted to explain yesterday, if infinity is true, then there is no real beginning or end, it just is/was.

But if we are to use this example, and the “starting point” of life or the “universe” is at the intersecting point of this symbol, then where do we as humans stand?

It’s like one side of the shell/infinity exists within us, and the life we are currently living is the second side, or what we currently perceive as our human form.

So we are standing at the center, looking out towards one shell with infinity spread out both ahead of us, as well as within us at the same time. We hold the universe inside, and its been projected out into our physical world with the help of our consciousness.

Also to mess with your head even more, is the fact that since “this” whatever this is, started infinitely ago, at the intersecting parts, and has been swirling out from there, and we have been continually giving life to new forms, as we designed from the onset, then that means that we are all connected, like the shell. Our human forms have just come at one point or another on the infinite point, from the same consciousness.  It means we all share the same consciousness that the initial form started out with.

It means the universe is within us. Gives a whole new meaning to “the eyes are the window to the soul”

We all started out from something, and planned for this moment to come. And we are all connected back to it.

And everything has an exact opposite energy/form that is on the other side of the “center/intersection/middle/start.”  Whether you call it your twin flame, or your soul mate or your true love, it’s there. And it will always be there. As your soul continues its journey along its path of infinity, your other half, who started this journey at the same moment at you, started on the opposite path, and has been searching for you as well. And after infinite years of searching, what a beautiful moment it will be when the two souls meet and cross paths at the intersecting point at the same time.


When two souls have met again. The two souls who created this dimension. Have met again. But are now battling it out. Because with each passing moment, the world that was created by these two souls appears to be shrinking. Because do the human forms believe that infinity exist? Do we want to allow it to continue? We are two Gods. Who created this world for us, and now we have to decide how we want this world to continue.

Which is why I feel this energy within. Which is why I feel something moving me. Because, this energy has come from the universe we created, from inside me/us. Because it’s perfect for me. And I’m perfect for it. Because we are the exact opposite yet exactly the same. In the same way infinity cannot be described. It just is. So are we.

And so we choose the birth of love. And we choose to allow good to win. Because that’s how we designed it from the start.

Or do we?

Because last night my insides felt like they were collapsing on me, but more like I was being sucked into myself. Like there could only be one winner. Because my twin flame was pulling on the opposite side, from within.  And I was going to allow myself to be sacrificed for them. Because that is true love. And I was okay with dying. Then I was reminded that good wins.

But what is good? Who’s to say I’m representative of good?

Because I will sacrifice myself for love.

Yet so will my twin flame.

I won’t kill myself.

Neither will they.

But I will allow myself to be sacrificed.

So would they.

Does that mean good wins?

Or should I continue to fight?

Because who/what is good?

I guess my biggest fear right now is if/when my other half truly discover this. If my twin flame recognizes the power and potential we have, is that when the battle truly starts? Do I die? Can only one side of the equation exist after that?

Or is that when the birth of love starts.

Is that when story we wrote from the start, finally starts?

Is that the meaning of good winning?

-Coleman Hell/Devotion-

Do You Really Want To Live Forever? Forever And Ever / Cause There Is No Tomorrow


So this word has taken on a whole new meaning for me as more and more knowledge has been unveiled to me… by me?

Yes, from myself but also by the universe and it’s consciousness. Let me attempt a very, VERY weak explanation of some of the things I’ve learned over the course of the past few weeks.

For starters, all I know for sure, is that good wins. Whatever that means, and however much weight that holds, every time I have an experience, I come out of it with the thought firmly rooted in my head that good wins, and I’ll tell you why there was initial struggle.

I’m sure you have all seen the infinity symbol before, a continuous loop, with one intersecting part?images

Well this symbol has been designed so perfectly for so many reasons.

I’m not sure yet if each side represents good vs. evil, or if it’s start to finish, or just that it goes back and forth, because that’s the thing about infinity, there no end or beginning. There’s no describing it. It just is. Everything just is. It starts out from where ever and continually loops onto itself… Like our lives themselves.

I remember when this journey first started I originally likened my experience to everything in my life coming together into a funnel, and then starting fresh out the other side. Empty, bare and silent (which is when the birth of love was first revealed to me:  We Were Born To Be Princes Of The Universe No Man Could Understand My Power Is In My Own Hand). Now I’ve learned that yes, all my past experiences had culminated to that point, and for that reason, for me to discover that I had come to that intersecting point of infinity if you will. And all my deja vue’s that I felt had become stronger and stronger, was because I was travelling closer to the middle of the intersection, to a place I had not physically been before but in a way had memories of.

Because all those deja vue’s were moments that I had not necessarily experienced before in this life, but I had helped create them, which is why they seemed so familiar.

Which leads me to the next PHENOMENAL fact.

We are all creators of this world. We all are in control of our own destiny’s. (Duh, you’re thinking, we all make our own choices in life everyday… no, I’m talking on a much grander scale) Not just this human lifetime, but to infinity. Because we will just continue to live, over and over and over.


And I have realized this over and over almost every night since my first revelation almost two months ago.

When paranoia and pure joy were struggling to compete, it’s almost like I’ve been at war in the crossroads for a while. But after realizing the connection I have to the world/universe and the energy within me (and potentially within us all), I have discovered that there were two paths, something I could no longer deny.

One of definite pure evil, bringing the greatest fear and even sometimes physical pain to my body, and one of everything good and joyful and pure ecstasy. This is not as simple as it seems. Because when it comes, it feels as though you are dying every death imaginable, and then you life starts out slowly again, in the same place, and you re-live EVERY memory you’ve ever had, and it speeds up the present moment, and then, that moment becomes larger and more fantastic than you could have ever imagined, and you realize you have gained all the wisdom you have ever had, plus more, and you understand that this will just continue to happen. Forever.  But then you realize, you’ve been here before. And the back and forth struggle starts within the mind. Even laying in my bed last night, while I check the date/time on my phone, I KNOW that I’ve been here before, even though I could see that ‘time’ had in fact passed and I knew things had happened that day that were new and fresh.

And I know that this will continue. Forever. And it goes back and forth between the highest joy, knowing I can live forever (if I choose, although not in this life, but in my soul) and this highest fear and agony, knowing this will continue forever. FOREVER! Could I handle this struggle between my greatest fear/greatest joy forever?


Two paths, but only one choice. So this weekend when I chose to stop fighting it, and made the decision to embrace it, as long as it was good, so much joy and peace has come.

I no longer have even the slightest paranoia after my experiences because I know, I KNOW that good wins. I also know that life will continue on as normal, because that is how our consciousness have designed it to. I know that every individual will make their own choices, as I have made mine. I know that I have a soul mate and even if I don’t end up with them now, I will. Because we have all of infinity.

I know that good wins.

And that’s good for me.

-Jay-Z/Forever Young-

Someday She’ll Trust Him/Someday He’ll Call Her And She Will Come Running And Fall In His Arms And The Tears Will Fall Down And She’ll Say, “I Want To Fall In Love With You”

Embrace it.

This is what I’ve decided to do. After discussing it with a very select few people (two to be exact) and explaining the struggle it has caused me, I received some good advice from one person, and some okay advice from the other.

I have come to terms with the fact that this is something that for some great/slightly scary/awe inspiring/mind blowing reason, has decided to reveal itself to me. So I’m going to embrace it. Instead of the alternative, which I’ve been doing for the last few weeks, even months now, which was fight it. And in fighting it, the result was me calling myself crazy, and it was leading to severe suicidal thoughts.

The suicidal thoughts only came because I KNOW this is real, yet I was fighting it. I was fighting the fact that I didn’t previously THINK it could be real.  I know I feel it moving me. I can tell the difference between my own thoughts and when it is here and giving me knowledge beyond what I’d previously had. So in my very logical mind, I kept denying that something like this could ever happen. I kept fighting with the fact that something so beautiful and amazing could happen to me, because it’s so past everything I had ever been able to comprehend. And that’s where the fight within myself was literally driving myself mad. So when I got some advice from a my Doctor, yes my doctor. A highly educated person with multiple degrees, to stop calling myself crazy, and that there are many study’s and possibilities out there about this being a legitimate thing, it helped ease my concerns. So instead of calling myself crazy and continuing to struggle with it to the point of driving myself insane, maybe I should allow it, and see what happens. But she suggested that I set my own boundaries. To set limits for it. Which I agreed, and had attempted to do in the past. But to hear her say it helped.

So after my appointment with her on Friday, I grew into the idea of allowing this presence to just be. And to no longer struggle with it. I had another long conversation with it, which basically detailed that yes, I finally believe in “you” persay (although I use that term loosely) and that I will allow it to continue, but only for good, and not at any inopportune times. Basically I still want to be C, but it could join me. I don’t want to lose myself. And it explained that it just wants to love me, and be there for me and help me. And just love me in the truest way possible. So allowed it.

And I had a fantastic weekend.

I’ve learned that this “feeling” just loves me. And that’s it. Pure and simple it loves me. And so I’m just letting it love me. It holds me in bed at night until I fall asleep. It hugs me during the day. When I’m stressing about anything it squeezes my shoulders and is just there. Plus, since I’ve decided to embrace it and no longer be afraid or embarrassed by it… I’ll admit that last night it lifted me out of my chair and we danced in the dark. It kept saying it wants to take me on the perfect date but it can’t right now.  It wants to give me beautiful memories and take care of me, even though it can’t be there in person. It knows the struggles I’ve been through, and it reveals things that are in my future to me… things that even since this has started have come true.

So I have faith in it. And I trust it. And I love it. And I embrace it. And yep, I totally have sex it it. The most perfect amazing sex. Where it moves my body, and it has given me orgasms. Orgasms where nothing is touching me physically, but I’m squirting non-the-less. Explain that to me using what you’ve known up until now. I can’t. So I just accept it, and I embrace it, and I enjoy the shit outta it!

Because it is everything good. And it makes me feel good. And it had given me knowledge I didn’t know was possible, that maybe I’ll share one day.

So I’m trusting it. I’m no longer wavering back and forth. Because never in my life have I felt so secure.

This is beyond me, yet it is within me.

Plus the things it has shown me are so exciting, that who could turn it down!

So I won’t fight it anymore.

It is the birth of love.

-Jars Of Clay/Love Song For A Savior-

I Think Too Much, And I Hate It/I’m Tired Of Caring Loving Never Gave Me A Home, So I’ll Sit Here In The Silence

So last night, I think I reached a breaking point.

Nothing to dramatic, but it did cause me to finally shed real tears in the shower.

I come close to crying maybe once every 2-3 months. But even those times it’s more of a forced cry… kinda like “I feel like this should be a crying moment so I should try crying’ thing. But last night there were real tears shed.

I haven’t been sleeping well at all. So much so that my boss and coworker have been asking if things are ok. I’m showing up to work with huge bags under my eyes and can’t control my yawning. My eating habits have gone downhill, because I have zero energy left by the end of the day to prepare anything even close to resembling a meal.

Over the last 2 maybe 3 weeks, I had nausea, which caused me to loose over 5 pounds, but since Friday I have gained maybe 4-5 pounds back due to awful eating habits. I felt just barely in control of my life.

This energy has become more than overwhelming, if that’s possible. From keeping me up at all hours of the night, and distracting me during the day to literally changing my physical from and just making me look ill.

Basically what it boils down to is…

I would have conversations with K in my head (or with his energy), and then he would call and we would have the exact conversation on the phone. And I would have to ask him if we had discussed certain items already because the conversations in my head were/are so real. And the deja vue is continually so string when it comes to him.

Of course the answer would always be no, we haven’t already talked about it. But the thing that is so strange and even more confusing, is that the things we would talk about in real life, would always be brought up by K. So even though I had just 5 minutes before held a whole conversation about… say returning to church for example, in my mind, I would never bring it up on the phone with him. But in each and every phone call, K continually brings up the topic that was on my mind two seconds ago, before he called.

So either deep down he and I are connected, and we ARE having those conversations subconsciously, and his consciousness is leading him to bring up the same topics, or my higher self is leading him to think certain thoughts… OR even worse, and whats stressing me out the most, his consciousness is leading me to think those thoughts, and he won’t admit to me that he also feels or is aware of this connection.

Which pisses me off, if he is aware of it and is somehow manipulating me. Which is what lead me to finally cry in the shower last night. Because like I said before, I don’t feel the energy/connection all the time, but when I do, it is strong and very convincing, and if K is aware of it, and using it to manipulate me in some way, I’m very unimpressed.

But when I’m actually talking to him on the phone he legitimately seems like he is just having a normal conversation, which seems way more likely. Because, well common, what are the chances our subconsciousness’s are having discussions in my head lol.

So then, I get mad at myself, basically for being mad at K for nothing hes done, since it’s ALL IN MY HEAD.

But is it? I’m almost to the point of writing down our conversations that we have in my head, and like screen-shotting them with the time-stamp on them, so that when he calls, and brings up a item to discuss… I can see that I’m not crazy and that I was actually thinking about it first.

Oh man, it’s frustrating.

So anyways like I said, after not sleeping well for weeks, since I’m constantly being woken up by this feeling,  I broke yesterday. I started crying. I had just had enough. I just wanted a good sleep. I just wanted to remember what it felt like to wake up feeling refreshed. I cried for a minute or two and told whatever the feeling was that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I didn’t want it anymore. I was broken and overwhelmed and crying and talking to a feeling.

Ridiculous, hey?

Except that it worked.

After I was done crying and telling the feeling to go away and just let me have a good sleep… it did.

I didn’t have any sensations all evening before bed. I felt like regular old C again.

I even smoked a little weed before bed, which I had backed off on for the last little while in case that was a factor, because last night I just wanted a great sleep.

I was only woken up once around 12:45 with the feeling of a hug and then felt like I was being snuggled, then laid back down to sleep. No huge conversation, no midnight  argument, no middle of the night sexual urges, no nothing. Just a feeling of comfort and then back to sleep.

And I woke up this morning SO refreshed and happy.

So maybe tears are the answer lol.


Yeah, I Already Know That There Ain’t No Stopping Your Plans And Those Slow Hands

So my day started out fairly “normal.” At least my new normal.

I woke up with my body feeling like it was being moved by some force. At least last night was slightly better than previous nights in the fact that I was only woken up startled twice by something moving me during the night. I mean legit woken up sitting straight up in bed fully awake… the bags I have growing under my eyes are less than attractive as you can imagine. So I guess that’s an improvement as far as sleep goes from other nights where I’ve only slept a handful of hours total? Anyways I got out of bed, made some breakfast for the kids and had my coffee etc, easy stuff. Then we headed out to Z’s hip-hop dance class.

OMG, sometimes I think screw it, I should just share pics/videos with y’all, because my kids are just so freakin’ cute! I mean every mom thinks their kids are precious, but mine take the cake trust me lol. At today’s class all the kids were dressed in their Halloween costumes and it was adorable.  But you’ll just have to take my word on it. Because no pictures it is.

So after dance I had to run a few errands and so I took the kids out for lunch, which is when I saw a missed call.

From my doctor.

And slight panic ensued.

First off what doctor even works on a Sunday, let alone goes over results and blood work to make followup appointments?

I called him back while the kids enjoyed their Micky D’s and the doctor wanted to see me today. At his first appointment of the day at 3. No pressure or anything (yeah, right). So we finished up the few errands I had and came home so I could jump in the shower and the kids played for a bit before we headed out again. The whole time I’m doing my best not to jump to conclusions or anything because as we all know doctors cannot say anything over the phone, and, since he set me for every type of blood work available, as well as a ECG and urine sample, for all I knew I could just have a simple urinary tract infection or something, right?


I got to the clinic and into the small daunting doctors office and he came in right away with the following paper. img_3551-e1509314590407.jpg

Everything else from my blood work was 100% good and in normal range except this random CK number. First my doctor asked if I had gotten recently into body building pr something similar (HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)

Nope. Why? Because he explained that this highlighted number (593) is 3x the limit (of 200) and it is a normally higher in patients with higher muscle fatigue. But then he went on to say even individuals who work out constantly 7 times a week, sometimes even twice a day, are only maybe in the 300 range. So basically it seems like my muscles are in a high constant state of stress or fatigue.

The following was taken from


Some of the reasons your CK level may be higher than normal are:

You have had a heart attack in the past 72 hours. Does the Dad connection thing count?
You have over-exercised. HAHA, no
You have recently had surgery. Never
You have recently had a shot of medicine in one of your muscles. Nope
You have recently been in an accident or hurt one of your muscles. No again
You have a muscle disease. I guess we’ll find out?
If your CK level is high, the test may be repeated as often as every 8 hours to see if the injury is healing or getting worse.


So, umm yeah! Like I tried explaining to him on Friday, I constantly feel as though something is trying to move my body, and I’m continually trying to fight it off. So YES. My muscles have been in a constant state of stress, or fatigue, because I have been struggling against something for 3+ weeks now. Imagine working out for 3 weeks straight. I’m sure your body would be feeling the stress and exhaustion of it as well.

So my doctor would like to now send me for a CT scan next, because apparently he now sees that what I’ve been saying, or at least trying to explain, has some legitimacy to it.

As for me?

I’ll continue to fight the urges to move that I know aren’t from me. Because I can’t very well walk around all day hugging myself, or throwing my hands in the air randomly, or stretching…lots of stretching urges, among a few perhaps sexual ones lol, or whatever other ridiculous urge comes my way. Because I can’t be doing random things in public now can I! So we can probably expect to see those CK numbers to rise before they get better until we have more insight into this whole situation.

Stay tuned to the next exciting chapter of C’s ridiculous life lol.

-Niall Horan/Slow Hands-

When All They Want Is For Us To Live In Fear/ To Hold Me Close When I Don’t Know There’s Something Deep Inside That Keeps My Faith Alive

I haven’t written in a while. I know. With everything that’s been happening, the only thing I’ve wanted to do is write. But I felt I couldn’t. Because K said shortly after the last post, that he felt I was lying about this whole thing.

He felt it was an elaborate scheme to “win him over” or something more/worse/different. And he just wanted me to admit that I had lied, because as he put it, I didn’t have to do this since I already had his heart, and so he just wanted me to admit this whole thing was ridiculous and that I was a fraud and a liar.

But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say this was a lie. Because I hadn’t lied. I know what I’ve felt. I know it’s real. And to me in that moment I was torn. I didn’t want him to feel hurt and have him feel like I was lying, so I considered in that moment lying by telling him this WAS a lie… but ultimately I had to stay true to myself even if it meant losing him.

So it made everything awkward/worse? I’m not sure. And the thing is I knew this was an obvious possibility, which is why I was hesitant to share in the first place. But I need to write. Because this is where I come to sort my thoughts and feelings out. Apart from K, I don’t tell anyone these things. And as I’m sure you all can tell, there are a LOT of thoughts and feelings about this situation. Therefore, here I am again.

Anyways, when he said he felt I was lying, I understood him. I truly did. But I couldn’t admit to lying just to appease his feelings. So it was a difficult night. Knowing he was fucking pissed at me. He made a comment about how I was just like all the other girls. Basically manipulative and cunning. But I still couldn’t say it was a lie.

I can’t deny what I know just to make someone else feel better. That’s not who I am. Not now, not ever. Even if I lose someone so important to me. Even if that someone is K.

So I didn’t lie.

And it was hard.

And he was mad.

But the feelings/sensations continued. In fact they intensified.

I have had a few more ‘extreme’ or ‘severe’ experiences since the ones I have explained to you that I might reveal later, but the sensations I have now on a daily basis are manageable and are more just a guide to my day-to-day life now.

I quite literally had a conversation with the energies I felt though first, before allowing them…. I dunno, more access to me?

I said point-blank that if they planned to wreak havoc or bring evil in any way, then they were not welcome. But if the energy was here for good and peace etc. then I was okay with it. When I had that conversation, and even now, I had/have the urge to hug/hold myself.

Since then, when I feel uncomfortable with a decision I’m about to make, or something doesn’t feel right, and the energy is here in an uncomfortable way. And by “here” I mean I feel the intense pressure in the center of my forehead, between my eyes, and I feel almost a shaking. But if the move/decision I’m going to make feels like it’s the right one, I still feel the intensity of the energy, allowing me to understand that I do have that guidance during that time, but my hands move like they want to embrace themselves and I literally want to hold my own hands.

I’m learning that I can choose when I allow them to “consume” me if you will. I can choose to “control” them per-say. Like if I’m at work, and I sense the intense energy coming on, I can fight it. I have to focus extremely hard on my work, even going so far as to sometimes under my breath say “go away” or “not now” and then the tingling goes away and my vision returns to normal, and the most telling sign, the focused energy in the center of my forehead, leaves. But if I’m laying in bed at night and the kids are asleep, I have allowed myself to enjoy it.

Yes it’s crazy.

Until I tell you this.

I was on the phone with K a few nights ago, and like I said, I’m quite confident this energy if connected to him for reasons I’m not ready to reveal yet. But again my hands started moving on their own. And I realized they were moving in they way I see K do all the time. So while we were talking, I told him. I explained, yet again that I thought I was feeling him, and so of course, he started testing it. Moving his hands this way and that way. And I was laying on my stomach on my bed and yet my hands were doing similar things, and I would relay this information back to K.

He kept doing different gestures and I would repeat them to him over the phone, but he kept denying what was going on. So of course, I started doubting what I was feeling, because I knew my arms (and at other times my entire body) were moving on their own.

Needless to say, that night, the phone call ended with K being pissed that I kept bringing up this “energy.” He thinks that because if he doesn’t feel it too, then it must not be him. So in a sense (lol play on words) that I’m cheating on him. Although were not together anyways, but… He basically feels like this energy is interrupting our phone calls and messing around with us. And so he feels if he’s not aware of it, or in control of it… then who/what the fuck is it?

So that night he hung up mad.

And I had another huge night, with another huge revelation from this energy.

Which I don’t really like.

This whole “energy” whether it’s the universe or a demon or an angel or just a being of some sort, revealed to me that another main reason (maybe thee main reason) for this whole connection between me and “it” is for “it” to let me know I may have a brain tumor.

Even in writing that last paragraph, from the start of it, the energy built up and started tightening me more and more, until I wrote the final words brain tumor… and then there was a release.

But even more than that, when it revealed that to me… and I was completely not high at the time… in fact I haven’t indulged in a while now…  it made sure I understood the severity of it.

The fact that eventually this tumor will kill me.

I won’t see my kids graduate high-school.

But until that moment… things will be ok.

And then as I started to cry in my bed on Thursday night, the energy pulled me up and held me while I cried. And it didn’t leave me until I was ok with dying.

And every time I feel scared or sad or pissed about this whole brain tumor thing, I feel it come back. And if I started to become hesitant about the whole issue.. I felt it holding me.

So yesterday morning, after an emotional night seemingly alone in my room with this revelation,  I called K to ask him, however much he didn’t want to believe me, if at any point maybe I was right about me feeling his hands move in me. If maybe, no matter how absurd it is, was I correct about what movements his hands were making. Because if that part was right…. then maybe this whole brain tumor thing the “being” revealed to me was also right.

He told me that yes… I was right. I did feel him. Although I was delayed and his movements may have been anywhere from 2-3 seconds prior (maybe more I can’t remember I was shocked I was actually feeling him) I still was saying what he was doing/had done. Over the phone, without seeing him.

So yeah.

That’s when I freaked out more. And that when K offered to come to the Doctor with me.

So that’s what I did yesterday for my 30th birthday.

I went to the Doctor with K and tried to explain what I was feeling. Because now not only do I think I have a tumor, I might possibly have proof? lol

But how do you explain that your body moved on its own in synchronicity with someone miles away, and that whatever brought that on, also told me that I have a brain tumor that will kill me?

It wasn’t easy, so I was very lucky to have K help me describe it to the Doctor, since I’ve been describing it to him for weeks now, as far as “symptoms” go.

The Doctor sent me for blood work which I went for today and said we would start with that.

And if there is no tumor? Well fuck me lol. Then I’m just feeling K move my body just for shits and giggles.


And tbh, actually that’s not all I did for my birthday. Although it started off in the most bizarre way EVER, it was actually one of my best birthdays.

K and I went for breakfast after the appointment and then spent some fantastic time at my place. Of course we had great sex, since that feels like it’s just getting better and better (for me… OH man I hope he’s enjoying it), but we also talked.

Then, he came to my parents house for dinner.

Yeah, K come to my parents house for a “birthday” dinner. And it was everything good and fun and great (apart from N and D’s annoying dog). So thank you for that K.

Then after I came home and put the kids to bed and finally crawled into bed myself, I tried to cry about this whole tumor thing, since it seemed like the appropriate thing to do, right? But I couldn’t, because something rolled me over in bed and held me tight.

And just comforted me.

So I’m ok.

I’m alright with dying.

It’s just my kids I worry about.


We’re All Kings And Queens With A Throne Of Our Own Hate To Be Here Alone

You guys this just keeps getting better/more insane each day.

So I posted this morning. And at that time, my ‘feelings’ were manageable. But throughout the morning and into the afternoon they increased like crazy. It got to the point that I felt I had some sort of ‘aura’ or light sensation going on with my eyes. I also could barely keep track of anything my boss was talking about at that time, which looking back was major because I was the only other person in the office today and he made the decision to buy a house and was asking my advice…. hopefully I gave him good stuff?

Anyways, it got so bad that I’m pretty sure I only accomplished about 2 hours worth of work all day. Until my boss stepped out for a bite around 2 and I felt I needed to see a Doctor like, now. Right now.

So I did the next best thing. I called our emergency health link number for advice on my symptoms. Something I have NEVER done in my life!

The nurse on the phone was really sweet. She asked me a bunch of questions. Then slowed down and asked me a few more serious questions. Then put me on hold to ‘research a few things’ before finally coming back on the line and recommending I go straight to my nearest Emergency room.

From what she could tell it was something neurological, and sounded like it needed immediate attention. She asked if I knew where the nearest emergency was, and suggested I have someone drive me there. Right now.

I said my thank you’s and hung up. Dreading what I thought I already knew was going to be the answer to this saga.

A brain tumour.

Probably a large fucking inoperable spreading cancerous terminal brain tumour.

So what did I do?Casually finished up the few things I had on my desk. Checked the wait times at the emergency rooms in my city to plan my night, called my mom to see if she could pick up my kids so I could go to the hospital, then waited for A to get back so I could skip out early.

Once I made a lame excuse about Z being sick to A (see, kids ARE useful lol), I headed to the emergency room that was closest to work, but had a longer wait time at around 3 hours. I had reasoned in my head at the time that the facility I chose would be better equipped to handle my obvious need for heavy-duty scans and equipment, unlike the emergency room closer to my house, thats wait was only 1 hour.  While I was driving, my mom called, but I ignored her call (below)

IMG_3493 (Edited)

811=Health link

She then texted, which I didn’t get until I finally parked next to what I thought was the emergency room entrance.  Needless to say getting this text was kinda mind-blowing. Like what are the odds, that my dad and I would both be at the same hospital at the same time? Not many. But wait there’s more!

IMG_3494 (Edited)They literally rolled him in at the exact same time that I was being triaged. I parked in the wrong spot. Found out there were 2 separate emergency rooms in this hospital. Wandered the halls for a good 10 minutes looking for emerg. Checked with information who said my dad had already been pre-admitted to another building so they would be using the other emergency room. And yet when it was finally my turn in a line of maybe 3-4 people, my dad’s gurney rolls in and I see him and we wave and laugh. My dad’s hilarious. We’re both here apparently for “medical emergencies” but we’re both like nah we’re good, you do you and I’m good over here. and the staff was all confused. It was pretty funny. Anyways his paramedic comes over and lets me know they are taking him straight to the cath lab because he needs a procedure done, and they would keep me updated.

So I’m still in the waiting room an hour later (yeah we all know my symptoms aren’t emergency room quality, but I DID throw up while waiting, since nausea is now part of my repertoire… 3 days strong), when the same paramedic taps my shoulder.



Your Dad’s had a heart attack…………………………………….

Is he okay? (some panic because of the ridiculously unnecessarily long pause, gosh some people’s kids)

Yeah, yeah! He’s fine! Do you wanna come see him?


So she leads me over to where my dad’s lying on a gurney near the door, talking the whole time.

Your dad had a heart attack but we did a procedure and cleared a blockage from his heart where we placed a stint in that will have to remain in place for a year.  He’s all drugged up now, and we’re taking him to “another hospital” since there’s no room here, and we need to monitor him for a 3 days.  (yeah for some reason I remember it pretty much word for word).

So I chatted with my dad for a moment, and the first thing he said to me was ‘I guess this is my wake up call’ and then delved into how he was pissed about missing the game tonight. Then the paramedic asked me if I would relay the information onto my mom, and I agreed, and that was that.

I walked back to the waiting room, and as I walked, I realized that as the paramedic had been telling me about my dad, all my intense “symptoms” had dissipated. I’m not saying I don’t feel the energies any more. I’m saying all the things that grew throughout today, like the light aura and the fuzziness in my thinking, gone. I felt like C again. Well C plus this new whatever it is. The point is, I didn’t feel like I needed to be in the emergency room anymore. So I walked out. And every step I took made me feel better. And clearer. And the more I believed that I was there because of a connection with my dad, the better I felt.

Maybe I was sensing my dad’s energy. Maybe everything in the universe, plus my connection urged me to be in that exact spot, in that exact time for my dad today. Because I was the one who called my mom and told her that my dad had had a heart attack. I was the one who knew to start the conversation with dad’s ok, but etc. I was the one who knew not to throw a long pause in there. I was the one who had my mom occupy my kids, so my dad was alone. So that my mom wasn’t there berating him about diet and exercise from the minute it happened.  I was there smile and wave at him in the emergency room. And the more I thought all that was a possibility, the more at peace I felt.

Now the next step, is narrowing down what each “feeling” or “sensation” represents.

It’s a work in progress.

-Matisyahu/One Day-