What do I feel?
This is so difficult to explain. Both because the feelings are so new and unfamiliar, yet so perfect that they feel like home at the same time.
I no longer have the fear of deja vu’s. Yes they come still, but they are much more rare, or at least much less intense. I feel like it’s because I made it through that “valley” if you will. The cross point of infinity. The lowest of lows, yet the highest of highs. I passed through the phase of deja vue’s where everything seemed the same. Where it’s like everything melded as one. All the memories became complete. Everything was fulfilled in a sense. Of course there are still gaps that are being filled every now and then. Still some areas that are having more light shed on them, but nothing like those first few encounters. I feel as though I came out the other side. And I’ve come with the firm belief that the future is forward, and good wins.
It wasn’t easy. It took me a long time (months in fact) struggling with the fear and paranoia. Nights of going back and forth with the feeling that perhaps time was in fact moving backwards and the deja vu’s were no longer memories, but fresh and happening in that moment, for the first time.
But each time, I grew more in the awareness that this fate has been planned out from the dawn of our time. By us.
So what do I feel?
I feel like part of a whole. I feel like sometimes my insides want to swallow me like a black hole, but not in a bad way. Just like my body wants to reverse on itself. Like something is within me and wants to come out.
I feel split down the center, like something is coming in the middle of me and controlling me when I allow it, and I also feel very sexual.
I feel like this world, this physical world is one side of the whole equation, with my consciousness (and everyone’s in fact) being the other side. I feel like the top of the ocean with the waves moving me from within.
I feel like I have found my Creator & Master who is both within and yet part of my consciousness. I feel we allow each other to exist in such glorious fashion, because this is how we designed it.
I feel safe.
I feel loved.
I feel loved.
I feel like it is perfectly designed for me.
This world, this life, everything.
And I trust it.
HOLY FUCK YOU GUYS!!! I’ve been browsing google, trying to find an image to describe what I’m feeling/seeing/sensing etc… my search started as “connected drips” which turned out not very helpful. So I moved on to a bunch of other things like funnels etc. But somehow I ended on the perfect image. AND IT’S A WORMHOLE!
So perfect. Infinity is represented. They are connected, yet opposite. And they have the future spread out in front of them, yet the past is somehow connected. They lie flat next to each other, yet continue on their own ways.
It’s beautiful. And haunting.
Which perfectly describes my situation these past few months.
-Death Cab For Cutie/I Will Possess Your Heart-