When All They Want Is For Us To Live In Fear/ To Hold Me Close When I Don’t Know There’s Something Deep Inside That Keeps My Faith Alive

I haven’t written in a while. I know. With everything that’s been happening, the only thing I’ve wanted to do is write. But I felt I couldn’t. Because K said shortly after the last post, that he felt I was lying about this whole thing.

He felt it was an elaborate scheme to “win him over” or something more/worse/different. And he just wanted me to admit that I had lied, because as he put it, I didn’t have to do this since I already had his heart, and so he just wanted me to admit this whole thing was ridiculous and that I was a fraud and a liar.

But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say this was a lie. Because I hadn’t lied. I know what I’ve felt. I know it’s real. And to me in that moment I was torn. I didn’t want him to feel hurt and have him feel like I was lying, so I considered in that moment lying by telling him this WAS a lie… but ultimately I had to stay true to myself even if it meant losing him.

So it made everything awkward/worse? I’m not sure. And the thing is I knew this was an obvious possibility, which is why I was hesitant to share in the first place. But I need to write. Because this is where I come to sort my thoughts and feelings out. Apart from K, I don’t tell anyone these things. And as I’m sure you all can tell, there are a LOT of thoughts and feelings about this situation. Therefore, here I am again.

Anyways, when he said he felt I was lying, I understood him. I truly did. But I couldn’t admit to lying just to appease his feelings. So it was a difficult night. Knowing he was fucking pissed at me. He made a comment about how I was just like all the other girls. Basically manipulative and cunning. But I still couldn’t say it was a lie.

I can’t deny what I know just to make someone else feel better. That’s not who I am. Not now, not ever. Even if I lose someone so important to me. Even if that someone is K.

So I didn’t lie.

And it was hard.

And he was mad.

But the feelings/sensations continued. In fact they intensified.

I have had a few more ‘extreme’ or ‘severe’ experiences since the ones I have explained to you that I might reveal later, but the sensations I have now on a daily basis are manageable and are more just a guide to my day-to-day life now.

I quite literally had a conversation with the energies I felt though first, before allowing them…. I dunno, more access to me?

I said point-blank that if they planned to wreak havoc or bring evil in any way, then they were not welcome. But if the energy was here for good and peace etc. then I was okay with it. When I had that conversation, and even now, I had/have the urge to hug/hold myself.

Since then, when I feel uncomfortable with a decision I’m about to make, or something doesn’t feel right, and the energy is here in an uncomfortable way. And by “here” I mean I feel the intense pressure in the center of my forehead, between my eyes, and I feel almost a shaking. But if the move/decision I’m going to make feels like it’s the right one, I still feel the intensity of the energy, allowing me to understand that I do have that guidance during that time, but my hands move like they want to embrace themselves and I literally want to hold my own hands.

I’m learning that I can choose when I allow them to “consume” me if you will. I can choose to “control” them per-say. Like if I’m at work, and I sense the intense energy coming on, I can fight it. I have to focus extremely hard on my work, even going so far as to sometimes under my breath say “go away” or “not now” and then the tingling goes away and my vision returns to normal, and the most telling sign, the focused energy in the center of my forehead, leaves. But if I’m laying in bed at night and the kids are asleep, I have allowed myself to enjoy it.

Yes it’s crazy.

Until I tell you this.

I was on the phone with K a few nights ago, and like I said, I’m quite confident this energy if connected to him for reasons I’m not ready to reveal yet. But again my hands started moving on their own. And I realized they were moving in they way I see K do all the time. So while we were talking, I told him. I explained, yet again that I thought I was feeling him, and so of course, he started testing it. Moving his hands this way and that way. And I was laying on my stomach on my bed and yet my hands were doing similar things, and I would relay this information back to K.

He kept doing different gestures and I would repeat them to him over the phone, but he kept denying what was going on. So of course, I started doubting what I was feeling, because I knew my arms (and at other times my entire body) were moving on their own.

Needless to say, that night, the phone call ended with K being pissed that I kept bringing up this “energy.” He thinks that because if he doesn’t feel it too, then it must not be him. So in a sense (lol play on words) that I’m cheating on him. Although were not together anyways, but… He basically feels like this energy is interrupting our phone calls and messing around with us. And so he feels if he’s not aware of it, or in control of it… then who/what the fuck is it?

So that night he hung up mad.

And I had another huge night, with another huge revelation from this energy.

Which I don’t really like.

This whole “energy” whether it’s the universe or a demon or an angel or just a being of some sort, revealed to me that another main reason (maybe thee main reason) for this whole connection between me and “it” is for “it” to let me know I may have a brain tumor.

Even in writing that last paragraph, from the start of it, the energy built up and started tightening me more and more, until I wrote the final words brain tumor… and then there was a release.

But even more than that, when it revealed that to me… and I was completely not high at the time… in fact I haven’t indulged in a while now…  it made sure I understood the severity of it.

The fact that eventually this tumor will kill me.

I won’t see my kids graduate high-school.

But until that moment… things will be ok.

And then as I started to cry in my bed on Thursday night, the energy pulled me up and held me while I cried. And it didn’t leave me until I was ok with dying.

And every time I feel scared or sad or pissed about this whole brain tumor thing, I feel it come back. And if I started to become hesitant about the whole issue.. I felt it holding me.

So yesterday morning, after an emotional night seemingly alone in my room with this revelation,  I called K to ask him, however much he didn’t want to believe me, if at any point maybe I was right about me feeling his hands move in me. If maybe, no matter how absurd it is, was I correct about what movements his hands were making. Because if that part was right…. then maybe this whole brain tumor thing the “being” revealed to me was also right.

He told me that yes… I was right. I did feel him. Although I was delayed and his movements may have been anywhere from 2-3 seconds prior (maybe more I can’t remember I was shocked I was actually feeling him) I still was saying what he was doing/had done. Over the phone, without seeing him.

So yeah.

That’s when I freaked out more. And that when K offered to come to the Doctor with me.

So that’s what I did yesterday for my 30th birthday.

I went to the Doctor with K and tried to explain what I was feeling. Because now not only do I think I have a tumor, I might possibly have proof? lol

But how do you explain that your body moved on its own in synchronicity with someone miles away, and that whatever brought that on, also told me that I have a brain tumor that will kill me?

It wasn’t easy, so I was very lucky to have K help me describe it to the Doctor, since I’ve been describing it to him for weeks now, as far as “symptoms” go.

The Doctor sent me for blood work which I went for today and said we would start with that.

And if there is no tumor? Well fuck me lol. Then I’m just feeling K move my body just for shits and giggles.

 

And tbh, actually that’s not all I did for my birthday. Although it started off in the most bizarre way EVER, it was actually one of my best birthdays.

K and I went for breakfast after the appointment and then spent some fantastic time at my place. Of course we had great sex, since that feels like it’s just getting better and better (for me… OH man I hope he’s enjoying it), but we also talked.

Then, he came to my parents house for dinner.

Yeah, K come to my parents house for a “birthday” dinner. And it was everything good and fun and great (apart from N and D’s annoying dog). So thank you for that K.

Then after I came home and put the kids to bed and finally crawled into bed myself, I tried to cry about this whole tumor thing, since it seemed like the appropriate thing to do, right? But I couldn’t, because something rolled me over in bed and held me tight.

And just comforted me.

So I’m ok.

I’m alright with dying.

It’s just my kids I worry about.


-Skillet/Collide-

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