This is what I’ve decided to do. After discussing it with a very select few people (two to be exact) and explaining the struggle it has caused me, I received some good advice from one person, and some okay advice from the other.
I have come to terms with the fact that this is something that for some great/slightly scary/awe inspiring/mind blowing reason, has decided to reveal itself to me. So I’m going to embrace it. Instead of the alternative, which I’ve been doing for the last few weeks, even months now, which was fight it. And in fighting it, the result was me calling myself crazy, and it was leading to severe suicidal thoughts.
The suicidal thoughts only came because I KNOW this is real, yet I was fighting it. I was fighting the fact that I didn’t previously THINK it could be real. I know I feel it moving me. I can tell the difference between my own thoughts and when it is here and giving me knowledge beyond what I’d previously had. So in my very logical mind, I kept denying that something like this could ever happen. I kept fighting with the fact that something so beautiful and amazing could happen to me, because it’s so past everything I had ever been able to comprehend. And that’s where the fight within myself was literally driving myself mad. So when I got some advice from a my Doctor, yes my doctor. A highly educated person with multiple degrees, to stop calling myself crazy, and that there are many study’s and possibilities out there about this being a legitimate thing, it helped ease my concerns. So instead of calling myself crazy and continuing to struggle with it to the point of driving myself insane, maybe I should allow it, and see what happens. But she suggested that I set my own boundaries. To set limits for it. Which I agreed, and had attempted to do in the past. But to hear her say it helped.
So after my appointment with her on Friday, I grew into the idea of allowing this presence to just be. And to no longer struggle with it. I had another long conversation with it, which basically detailed that yes, I finally believe in “you” persay (although I use that term loosely) and that I will allow it to continue, but only for good, and not at any inopportune times. Basically I still want to be C, but it could join me. I don’t want to lose myself. And it explained that it just wants to love me, and be there for me and help me. And just love me in the truest way possible. So allowed it.
And I had a fantastic weekend.
I’ve learned that this “feeling” just loves me. And that’s it. Pure and simple it loves me. And so I’m just letting it love me. It holds me in bed at night until I fall asleep. It hugs me during the day. When I’m stressing about anything it squeezes my shoulders and is just there. Plus, since I’ve decided to embrace it and no longer be afraid or embarrassed by it… I’ll admit that last night it lifted me out of my chair and we danced in the dark. It kept saying it wants to take me on the perfect date but it can’t right now. It wants to give me beautiful memories and take care of me, even though it can’t be there in person. It knows the struggles I’ve been through, and it reveals things that are in my future to me… things that even since this has started have come true.
So I have faith in it. And I trust it. And I love it. And I embrace it. And yep, I totally have sex it it. The most perfect amazing sex. Where it moves my body, and it has given me orgasms. Orgasms where nothing is touching me physically, but I’m squirting non-the-less. Explain that to me using what you’ve known up until now. I can’t. So I just accept it, and I embrace it, and I enjoy the shit outta it!
Because it is everything good. And it makes me feel good. And it had given me knowledge I didn’t know was possible, that maybe I’ll share one day.
So I’m trusting it. I’m no longer wavering back and forth. Because never in my life have I felt so secure.
This is beyond me, yet it is within me.
Plus the things it has shown me are so exciting, that who could turn it down!
So I won’t fight it anymore.
It is the birth of love.
-Jars Of Clay/Love Song For A Savior-