Not Knowing What It Was I Will Not Give You Up This Time / Your Heart Is All I Own And In Your Eyes You’re Holding Mine

No matter how much I try, or what I do, I think this ‘thing” is with me for life.

It’s like I’ve finally learned the true meaning of infinity and its both terrifying and delightful at the same time.

Each and every night it comes with more fullness and intensity. And when it leaves I am left both astounded, in awe as well as petrified, yet more at peace then I’ve ever been. This internal struggle is something I both hate and yet love and even desire sometimes.

Each night as it happens (normally when I’m laying in bed, somewhere between sleep and awake- although it comes in a lesser fashion all throughout the day) It reveals itself to me more and more, and I understand more each time, like I feel I’m supposed to. While I’m in the moment, it’s terrifying, because I feel like I’ve been there before. I sometimes feel like time has either paused or reversed or sometimes is set on fastforward/rewind which is where the fear comes from. Yet when the “experience” passes, and the heaviness of it is over, I feel joy, and calm, because as it leaves me, it always reassures me that good wins, as well as a few other details recently because I have been becoming (to be quite honest) scared.

It has reassured me that no one dies. I mean yes we all die eventually, but I mean in the process of this revelation, no one’s life is sacrificed, and that my fear of that is irrelevant and unnecessary.

It’s also begun to explain more and more about ‘infinity’ and the idea of the two sides of it.

It’s beautiful really. The fact that everything has no start or finish. Also no end or beginning. Yet it all has a perfect opposite, which is also its perfect match.

Imagine if you will, a zipper. Each interlocking part is on a separate side, mirroring each other exactly, opposite of the piece it will connect with, yet they come together perfectly when the time comes.

So it is within this world. EVERYTHING here has an exact perfect opposite. That it was meant to connect with in unity. Something to complete it. But even in that explanation, using “infinity” must suggest that completion has an exact opposite that must be matched and paralleled. Therefore everything must end… But never will. But knowing it goes on and on, with this back and forth of ending and not, is where the fear and joy comes from.

Which is where we have infinity that keeps growing. The zipper can be zipped only so far right now, at the cross-section of the infinity symbol, and then the matching points, go their separate ways. Not unlike two spinning balls at the top of the zipper. Where the unmatched worlds have spun out and away from each other and will continue to spin infinitely until they would spin back into the bottom of the zipper again.

And find their respective partner. Their forever match. That is their exact opposite. Yet their perfect completion.

And that, is where I am at.

Even up until last night, I have struggled with accepting this and denying it, because of the intense fear it brings in the moment. I did allow it for a few days, which is where this depth of knowledge has come from. When I initially decided to just let it be.  But now, I struggle with going through that deep fear again, since I feel each time, it becomes more rich. It’s gotten to the point where I feel lost in time when it happens. So much so that I’m constantly checking my phone, or the time/date to make sure that time is in fact moving forward. So on Friday or Saturday, I had the overwhelming desire and felt moved to change the apps around on my phone. When I was deeply connected later that night, it told me that it doesn’t want me to be afraid, and that it’s “got me”. Which is why it helped me rearrange my phone, so that at a quick glance, I would recognize that time had change and something new and fresh had happened that day. So that I’ll always recognize that we are moving forward. and that as scary as this may be, we cannot go back in “time,” we are always moving forward. “It” doesn’t want to bring fear to me, just knowledge.

Even still, the fear lingers… Hard. So last night I refused. Each time I felt it coming (the tingling in my body, the intensity between my eyes) I denied as vehemently as I could, and I honestly thought I had managed. Until I woke up sitting straight up in bed, with my hands raised over my head like I was doing a fricken end zone dance about 2 hours after I had gone to bed. During my restless sleep, in my subconsciousness, “it” made me fully aware of things I had been denying. And upon my realization, it’s like it jolted me awake in celebration.

I can’t deny it. I KNOW what it’s trying to tell me. I KNOW what/who it is.

And I also know that it’s with me for the long-term. As much as I can do my best to try to fight it off, it’s in me. It’s within me. It is me? My perfect opposite, My complete match.

And it loves me. And good wins.

Because this is the birth of love.

Ohhhhh Did I happen to mention when it happens, if I look in the mirror, my pupils are huge? Like ridiculous, to the point I think I’m gonna blow an eye out. And if I talk to it,  my pupils dialate as it talks back to me in my subconscious. You guys this is legit unexplainable.


-Ed Sheeran/Perfect-

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