I hate knowing that everyone has free will. I so dislike knowing that each individual has the freedom to choose their own path in life.
I hate even more knowing who my soul mate (or whatever you call it) is, especially when they don’t recognize me, as theirs.
Am I important to them? Yes.
Just not as important as they are to me.
And that hurts.
So, since I’ve been made aware that this person is my perfect match, and he recognizes there is love, but basically not enough to bind us together long term, where does that leave me?
I can’t move on. But I have to. In all honesty, dramatics aside (although everything I’ve said has been truthful and as non-dramatic as possible, as hard to believe as that may be), I seriously understand that individuals must choose for themselves, so I have to allow him to make his choice, and follow his passion, which unfortunately is not me. It’s passions that were within him before we physically met. Passions that in fact, being with me, may cause a misrepresentation of who he is, so I understand his lack of interest in the idea of ‘us’. So I have to let him choose, even with the knowledge I have, I want him to choose, and to be happy with his choice.
So if he doesn’t choose me back, then I must move forward, into infinity, without him. But I know that I can never choose anyone else. I can never reach this level of love and connection again. I can never FEEL anyone like I’ve felt him. I’ve felt him move me, and I KNOW that connection is once in… not a lifetime, but in an eternity.
Maybe I felt the universe’s call more deeply than him. Maybe I choose to recognize it, maybe I was looking for it, maybe, maybe, so many maybes. But in the end I know what this is. And I know I will NEVER find anything better.
So my issue is, do I let him go on, which obviously, is yes. I have to, since it’s his choice, but I’m talking about after that. For me? Do I just live my life at peace knowing that I had this little bit of time with this amazing connection, this crossover of infinity if you will, and leave it at that? Or do I move on in this lifetime and live like a normal human who’s never had this experience, and go on attempting to find another connection, with the knowledge that it will never be as deep and ‘meant to be’ as this?
That would probably be unfair to the hypothetical person I was attempting to move on with. Because I know I could never give all my love to them. Because I know who my heart belongs to. I know who I was meant to love.
So do I just attempt to love a man who doesn’t want to commit to loving me in return? Not even that, because there is love, but just that he wants to move on with his life, and has made it completely clear to me that he doesn’t want long term with me.
It breaks my heart.
And I’m not sure how to continue.
It sounds pathetic, I hear it. I recognize it.
But you guys, I can’t explain this energy I feel. And I know I’ve never felt this before, and I know it will never come again. So do I hold onto it? By loving a man who flat out says I’m not his everything? To hear him say I’m just not quite enough? Or start to deny it, deny this whole transformational experience I’ve been going through during the past few months, and perhaps eventually move on to something, someONE less, maybe even fake. I’m not saying I have a man right now waiting for me that I can move on to lol trust me, it’s not like I have marriage proposals on the daily (Or ever let’s be real) but I do want to get married. I do want to have a family.
I do want to feel loved.
I don’t think I’ve asked for much.
Haha, although some may disagree.
I just want love.
But I don’t think I can have a false love after experiencing this and knowing how real it can get.
I don’t think I can settle.
So I think I’ll sacrifice instead.
Because what choice do I have remaining, when he has made his?
-Eminem Ft. Beyoncè/Walk on Water-