I Think Too Much, And I Hate It/I’m Tired Of Caring Loving Never Gave Me A Home, So I’ll Sit Here In The Silence

So last night, I think I reached a breaking point.

Nothing to dramatic, but it did cause me to finally shed real tears in the shower.

I come close to crying maybe once every 2-3 months. But even those times it’s more of a forced cry… kinda like “I feel like this should be a crying moment so I should try crying’ thing. But last night there were real tears shed.

I haven’t been sleeping well at all. So much so that my boss and coworker have been asking if things are ok. I’m showing up to work with huge bags under my eyes and can’t control my yawning. My eating habits have gone downhill, because I have zero energy left by the end of the day to prepare anything even close to resembling a meal.

Over the last 2 maybe 3 weeks, I had nausea, which caused me to loose over 5 pounds, but since Friday I have gained maybe 4-5 pounds back due to awful eating habits. I felt just barely in control of my life.

This energy has become more than overwhelming, if that’s possible. From keeping me up at all hours of the night, and distracting me during the day to literally changing my physical from and just making me look ill.

Basically what it boils down to is…

I would have conversations with K in my head (or with his energy), and then he would call and we would have the exact conversation on the phone. And I would have to ask him if we had discussed certain items already because the conversations in my head were/are so real. And the deja vue is continually so string when it comes to him.

Of course the answer would always be no, we haven’t already talked about it. But the thing that is so strange and even more confusing, is that the things we would talk about in real life, would always be brought up by K. So even though I had just 5 minutes before held a whole conversation about… say returning to church for example, in my mind, I would never bring it up on the phone with him. But in each and every phone call, K continually brings up the topic that was on my mind two seconds ago, before he called.

So either deep down he and I are connected, and we ARE having those conversations subconsciously, and his consciousness is leading him to bring up the same topics, or my higher self is leading him to think certain thoughts… OR even worse, and whats stressing me out the most, his consciousness is leading me to think those thoughts, and he won’t admit to me that he also feels or is aware of this connection.

Which pisses me off, if he is aware of it and is somehow manipulating me. Which is what lead me to finally cry in the shower last night. Because like I said before, I don’t feel the energy/connection all the time, but when I do, it is strong and very convincing, and if K is aware of it, and using it to manipulate me in some way, I’m very unimpressed.

But when I’m actually talking to him on the phone he legitimately seems like he is just having a normal conversation, which seems way more likely. Because, well common, what are the chances our subconsciousness’s are having discussions in my head lol.

So then, I get mad at myself, basically for being mad at K for nothing hes done, since it’s ALL IN MY HEAD.

But is it? I’m almost to the point of writing down our conversations that we have in my head, and like screen-shotting them with the time-stamp on them, so that when he calls, and brings up a item to discuss… I can see that I’m not crazy and that I was actually thinking about it first.

Oh man, it’s frustrating.

So anyways like I said, after not sleeping well for weeks, since I’m constantly being woken up by this feeling,  I broke yesterday. I started crying. I had just had enough. I just wanted a good sleep. I just wanted to remember what it felt like to wake up feeling refreshed. I cried for a minute or two and told whatever the feeling was that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I didn’t want it anymore. I was broken and overwhelmed and crying and talking to a feeling.

Ridiculous, hey?

Except that it worked.

After I was done crying and telling the feeling to go away and just let me have a good sleep… it did.

I didn’t have any sensations all evening before bed. I felt like regular old C again.

I even smoked a little weed before bed, which I had backed off on for the last little while in case that was a factor, because last night I just wanted a great sleep.

I was only woken up once around 12:45 with the feeling of a hug and then felt like I was being snuggled, then laid back down to sleep. No huge conversation, no midnight  argument, no middle of the night sexual urges, no nothing. Just a feeling of comfort and then back to sleep.

And I woke up this morning SO refreshed and happy.

So maybe tears are the answer lol.


-Marshmello/Silence-

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