700 followers feel I’m worthy of your time.
100 posts already to my name.
30 years old next week.
2 humans breathed into existence because of me.
1 mind living in turmoil.
Inside this body.
That I call my own, but I don’t feel I own it completely anymore.
Everything I see now, feels familiar. I feel like everything I do now has been done before, yet it is both fresh and new.
I can’t even begin to explain to you what happened to me on Saturday night, but I’m changed.
Even more than last week, I’ve had another experience. One that was enough for me to actually question if I was real, or if my friend was real, or if were all just figments of my imagination. Or worse, someone else’s imagination.
As it stands, he thinks I was RIDICULOUSLY high.
But, since I take edibles, and they are individually portioned, I took the same as normal, maybe even less, since there was a huge almond in this portion and the piece I normally eat is the size of maybe 3 almonds all together… so it was mostly just nut if that makes sense?
Anyways, I wasn’t even that high… on weed at least.
But I wasn’t in my right mind I know that.
I also know I’ll never be in the same state of mind that I was before.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully explain what happened that night. At least not here on “paper.” This is something that I need a good 3 hours to just talk about so I don’t miss any details. But I’ll attempt.
It started as a major deja vu. Major, MAJOR.
Like you know you get those small moments where you feel you felt you’ve been there before etc? Well it started off like that. Except then it continued. To the point where I was predicting what was going to happen next because it was so familiar. And then the moments stretched into minutes. And the few minutes became over half an hour before I stopped even tracking it.
But then even more than deja vu, it was like all the pieces of my life, up until that point, began to fit together. I saw it in front of me like a wonderful puzzle where every piece was there for a purpose. I began to realize that everything had happened for a reason. For this reason. For this fuckin moment! The world began to spin and swirl all together. All my moments, and moments from my friend’s life, whose energy I’ve been feeling, all our “pieces” fit together into the most beautiful puzzle.
We created a masterpiece with our lives. Except it wasn’t just moments from this life. It was since the beginning of time. Almost like we’ve lived many lives, and only just now, in that moment did it all make sense (I didn’t even consider reincarnation a possibility until this night) And as the deja vu was happening, time became faster and faster, and everything sped up and swirled, wrapping up everything from our lives to complete this mosaic.
Then as the swirling stopped and the pieces all came together and it was the world but even more than that it was the universe and the knowledge that came with it was placed in my head, obviously not everything ever known, but I think the ability to reach it.
Then everything began to shrink. More and more. I watched my hands age in front of my face (I got skinnier which was a bonus, but beside the point)
And every memory I’ve ever had began to shrink with it, quicker and quicker, smaller and smaller, yet twirling still. Until I was looking at my hands and at my pinched fingers and it was all but a speck of dust so to speak, and my panic rose because I felt that when the universe, once it was gone, would take me with it. I thought I was going to die this feeling was so intense.
But when even the universe, both so immense, yet smaller than a speck of dust dissipated to nothing, time froze. And my breath with it.
Until I caught my breath and my voice came with it. But at this moment there was nothing. I was in my room. I know this because I just know. But at the time, there was nothing, yet there was everything.
Then my voice, started out ever so slowly, quietly, and unprovoked on its own.
No other sound or movement. Just pure energy from within.
And then the words became increasingly faster and then music joined them. And I knew in that moment, we had created the most beautiful love song. I can’t remember all the words I spoke, or even begin to comprehend why I spoke them. All I know is that somehow, I both spoke, and sang and somehow made music with my mouth all at the same time.
And as our song unraveled, it was joined by knowledge.
More knowledge then I’ve ever held. Unwinding from within me. Like everything had been poured into a funnel, swirling to the tip, and now was slowly trickling out the bottom. Fresh and new.
It’s almost like the funnel and the swirling was representative of the end of…something. An era. And now all the pieces of that time had finally come together and now I am starting again.
But what is coming out the other end is terrifying. And amazing.
Then, I felt my friend. His energy. And it consumed me. More than anything I’ve ever felt. And his “spirit/soul/energy’ talked to me. And we just loved each other. And we talked. Not a word was spoken, but our consciousness were connected. We apologise for the past, and made plans for the future, just everything, but mostly it was love.
His energy took the time to show me things in my life. About how my seizure were a way of our energies trying to connect. How deja vu’s were moments when we were both feeling similar
situations emotions at the same time and therefore our souls were close. I felt certain pains in his body but there were in my body, as the energy coursed through. My right ankle throbbed as well as my hip. My jaw felt as if it was going to explode. I felt a shooting pain in my shoulder among so many others, but then in an instant everything was good. Better than before. Peaceful.
And we just felt it. Well correction. I felt it. I felt his being there. So much. And his thoughts weren’t something I could imagine, well maybe I could, but our energies were arguing about how we could make it work. I could tell my thoughts from his thoughts and I could tell when we were thinking the same thing because my body would tense up. And in the end we were both like fuck it, we don’t know how it will work, we don’t know how we will ever be together, but I know I love you, and you know you love me and shouldn’t that be it? As long as we love each other.
Right after it happened, or during, or after, I can’t remember, the whole thing is overwhelming, I called him. I became so panicked that I might be schizophrenic/multiple personality because I felt SO connected to him. To everyone now, in a weird way, but specifically him.
I thought that the world might be a figment of my imagination. I literally thought, because I had thoughts that previously weren’t my own, that maybe I had created other personalities, and now my mind had created him.
I actually asked him if he was real. To which he responded (to slowly for my liking at the time) yes. So then I asked if I was real, thinking maybe I was a figment of HIS imagination. This is how connected I felt. I became paranoid that I has crossed some mental line and that if I was just a “personality” of either his or mine, that I would wake up in a different body. His or whomever’s brain I truly belonged to. Probably strapped down in some hospital bed.
I actually asked my friend to kill me if I woke up not in my regular me. I thought I was basically talking to myself in another form, and I felt like I was telling “myself” (but my friend) to kill me/us. Because I didn’t think I could handle a life without either him, or my kids, or the reality of being that mentally ill.
You guys this is how real this experience was.
I didn’t fall asleep until close to 2-3 in morning. There was just so much in my mind to go over yeah, but also I felt like there was so much knowledge that kept coming. Or I kept discovering. I learned so much about too much to share right now. Probably too much to share ever.
I think it will be something that I continue to discover as I move on.
Either way, this will be the first post of many, since I couldn’t get it all out now, and I’m sure you all want to know how my friend felt about this once I attempted to poorly explain it to him. Check back to see how that “lovely” conversation went.
*Yes, I made an appointment to see a doctor this Friday, I’m not dumb, contrary to how it seems*
-Queen/Princes Of The Universe-