I’ve Stopped Breathing, But Completely Aware ‘Cause You’re Giving Me A Million Reasons

I’m getting used to this change. Whatever happened to me. However you feel fit to describe it. I’m getting used to it. With each day that passes it’s become less overwhelming. I’m also learning and discovering more with every minute.

Like the fact that while yes, the main energy I feel is from my friend, who I’ll just reveal now is K, *I’ll come back to this later in the post* I do feel energy from other people too.

I started to recognize this fact on Monday or Tuesday while I was still so boggled down by all that was consuming my mind from this new change. There was so much energy flowing through me and my body was vibrating and I felt like I couldn’t handle it, so I needed to take control of whatever was going on, so I literally shouted, to myself, in my mind, for everything to just back off! Just then, Z, called down the stairs and said “sorry mama’ and so I’m like what now? For what? What happened? And she said, word for word “Sorry mama cause I was helping them too.” And that was it.

She never spilled anything, or was saying sorry because she hit her brother or ANYTHING. But I honestly think that as a child her consciousness was also connected to mine and she “heard” what I said. Maybe kids are still connect to their “source” and are wiser than us in these matters.

Either way, from that moment, things have been much more manageable. I’ve learned that I can “connect” but don’t have to be controlled by this change. I’m learning to decipher energies if you may. I’ve learned that when a feeling of dread comes across me, it most likely means my mom is about to call or text. I’ve learned that when my arms feel like hugging myself, K is about to call me or is trying to connect somehow. I’ve also noticed certain sensations in regards to little E.

I’ve also learned that my learning will be never ending. For some reason I have knowledge that I shouldn’t have. And part of that knowledge is that I will be discovering new things everyday. Some on my own and some imparted from others higher consciousnesses. And I’m good with that. I’ve found peace with it. In fact I enjoy it because it gives me an even bigger sense of purpose, just knowing that everyday will quite literally bring something new. All I have to do is take a moment, perhaps close my eyes and focus. And that’s when things start to happen. Like I went for a massage yesterday (because, well it’s been a stressful week lol) and while I’m laying there I had so many revelations about everything from why a certain local company had a specific phone number (which I called to verify after… turns out I was right) to why my biological dad cheated on my mom. Which I didn’t call to verify.  But it’s like that Foo Fighters song, The Sky is a Neighborhood. The sky representing higher consciousness, and if you’re connected into it, like if your part of the neighborhood, you can literally just go around and have conversations with whomever you want. Do you realize all the knowledge that’s available to you in your own head! In your own conscious! Yes I know the song is actually about how so many musicians have died, but you have to think  outside the box…think higher!

I’ve learned that even though I can meet with others higher self, that they might not be aware of, I cannot manipulate them as they still ultimately make their own decisions, although I would never want to. Which brings me back to K.

Originally I didn’t want to share who my “friend” was. Not because I was embarrassed by him. Never. I am proud to say I love K. I would say it in front of anyone and everyone. From my family to his family to a judge. Anyone. But because I didn’t know if he would want to be a part of this story, I initially left him out. And even throughout the week, I would never bring it up with him. HE would always be the one asking me if I sensed him calling (yes) He would ask if I felt him thinking about me (yes). But I don’t want him thinking I’m trying to manipulate him. I want to share whats happening with me, yes, but not in a way that makes him think I’m trying to twist his world.

But unfortunately, this is my story. And even as I start to type this, I feel my arms trying to hug me and I feel my chest being squeezed in the way only K holds me, and I know he’s trying to stop me from doing this, because of the, not necessarily pain it will bring him, but confusion it will cause. But I’m learning I still have to separate my thoughts from others and stand for myself.

Because K in his human form is still not sure if he loves me. Or maybe he is, but perhaps he is embarrassed by it. I’m not the kind of girl he ever pictured himself with. I don’t check all his physical boxes. I don’t have a certain look. I don’t live in a certain place. I didn’t grow up in a certain way. So unfortunately… K is still not sure about his feelings for me. He is maybe embarrassed that his ex knows he said he loved me. Possibly because he’d been considering getting back together with her. Things were never really resolved with her when he went to prison, therefore they were never really resolved when he met me. He hasn’t even seen her since they “broke-up” although from what I understand it happened while he was behind bars so that’s not really fair to him or her I guess.  He has no closure.

So maybe he’s not sure he wants to have me by his side. How would that look to all his people. How would that hurt his image. How would our lives fit as one? He can’t see it. He doesn’t know if he even wants to imagine it.

If he needs his time to figure things out, I have to allow him that. And I will. He hasn’t asked for it. But I’ll give him the time. I’ll back way off.

When he decides, it better be noticeable though. Because so far he’s said I love you, we have more than just sex it’s the best sex ever. And I feel his love. So when he decides to be all in, I need him to say it. None of this “you know how I feel” junk.

My soul is my soul. In all my lifetimes, my soul will be the same. And his soul will be the same amazing soul it is.

K will always be my King. So, if he chooses right now that I’m not his Queen. I’m okay with that. Because I have the knowledge that eventually we will be together. Maybe in another lifetime, I’ll have an outer shell aka body he’ll find more desirable, although it might be another million years before we meet again. Ha and maybe we’ll be two damn dung beetles for all we know lol. But I know it will happen. And however disheartening that may be, the fact I might have to wait, I know that he is mine and I am his. So I can wait.

Yeah. A million years. I can wait.

I’ve seen the peace and I have the knowledge, and I know I can wait.

Don’t think it’t pathetic. I wouldn’t mope around longing after him. I will live my best life, knowing that one day we will be together. Would it be better if it were sooner? Of course. But I’ve also learned that we all control our own path in this life. So I will choose happiness. Yes I choose K. But I will choose happiness while I wait for K to also choose me.

Even if I wait a million years.

Or a million lifetimes.


-Lady Gaga/Million Reasons-

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