I wonder if crazy people really truly know if/when they are crazy. Now I know “crazy” is a very incorrect term here, but hear me out. I’m not talking about the more… ‘normalized’ mental health issues, that you or your neighbor most likely have suffered from, like depression or something similar. I also know those issues aren’t normal either, trust me, I’ve suffered from depression, I’ve attempted suicide, I know the seriousness of it. But bear with me for argument’s sake.
I’m talking about more severe mental health issues. Like if an individual is a psychopath… are they aware of it? Or if a person is schizophrenic, how bad does the situation have to get before they realize that what’s going on in their own mind is maybe not right for example?
Or because it’s their own mind and their own thoughts, and because humans don’t know any different from what our own thoughts produce, maybe individuals with intense mental health issues never realize that they HAVE an issue that could and perhaps should be helped with either medications or therapy or whatever other means provided to them, because it either has always been, or has become their normal.
Just based on the principle that they are used to how their mind runs/works and it seems fine to them.
I guess the reason I’m asking….
Is because lately as you guys know, I’ve been searching. Really searching. About life. Perhaps the meaning of life. Or not so much the meaning of life, but my purpose and where do I fit into the universe. And during this process, I’ve been having some extreme experiences. Things I can’t even explain. Things that have been disconcerting, and even now have gotten to the point of slightly scary. Experiences that have legitimately been leading me to ask myself if I’m “crazy” or not, which is why I ask if I was out of my mind… would I be aware enough to know it?
Because my most recent experience, that happened this past Saturday night, left me with thoughts and emotions, even memories that weren’t my own, and I’m not sure how to handle it.
I was lying in bed high, while talking on the phone with a friend and whiles we were talking I didn’t so much hallucinate him there with me so much as sense him. So I told him I had to go to sleep, like I was done for the night. We hung up the phone and I rolled over to go to sleep but I still “sensed” the friend there. Even though I knew it was just me in the room.
But then the sensation became stronger. And then the feeling of my friends energy kept urging at me. (You guys don’t mock me ok. Like I completely realize how utterly absurd this whole thing is, why do you think I”m wondering if I’m insane!) The first 2-3 times I felt it urge for me to let it in, or to connect I opened my eyes and the feeling would diminish. But when I closed my eyes and would “listen’ and focus again, the feeling would return each time more intense than the last. Until I thought it through, thinking how bad could whatever this thing be? I’m safe in my room, alone, all this feeling is, is an energy at best, and its here for a reason, so I might as well enjoy it… so I basically in my mind said ok have at ‘er.
That’s when it rushed in. Huge surges of energy and love and joy. My body was vibrating. My thoughts were both my own as well as this energy’s. (Yeah I know, it sounds ridiculous, but wait there’s more). I now had memories that belonged to my friend ( like making love with a gorgeous woman with cat like eyes, or being on stage in front of a crowd of people and feeling the energy course through my/his veins, the list goes on and on). I also felt as if this energy was holding me. Moving my arms and hands. And it used my own hands to caress my face and hold me in my own arms. But at the same time I was hugging my friend and feeling his body. The sheer amount of energy that was passed through my body during that time was unbelievable. I could tell the difference between my thoughts and his thoughts but then there were moments when our thoughts were the same. It was, since there is no other way to describe it, out of this world. Or crazy.
But I remember when the moment was over, I’m not sure how long it lasted since it felt like it could have been anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, as the energy was leaving my body, it left a thought implanted in my mind. All I could think about after was “twin flame.” A phrase I’d never heard of before, but you can imagine I looked it up the next day.
(Here’s one of a few video’s I found, among many articles I read)
So anyways after hardly sleeping for the last few days, not being able to eat much, heck I can’t even bring myself to an orgasm since then, it’s like my body feels like it’s been invaded. And so now here I am, questioning my sanity. Which brings me back to my original question… do ‘crazy’ people know when they’re crazy? Or is the fact that I’m talking about it, reason enough to believe that I’m somewhat still sane? How will I know if this was an experience that actually happened to me, or one that I imagined? But trust me, I couldn’t make something like this up. Because I’m the least imaginative person I know. I believe in facts and figures, not imagination and fantasy. If you were to enter my mind on a “normal’ day, you would find everything carefully categorized and probably labeled lol. And so if it’s something that the universe brought to me… was it meant for good or have I been demon possessed or something ridiculous like that? Like you have no idea what crazy thoughts have been going through my mind since Saturday!
Am I crazy? I mean I know I sound it. But am I? Am I truly crazy.
-Logic Ft. Alessia Cara & Khalid/1-800-273-8255-