Month: December 2017

What If You Were The Music?

So I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been trying to be sensitive to others involved. But tonight I got the a-okay… I’m hoping this doesn’t ruin how far we’ve come. But I’m going to write anyways. And just trust what I both know, and feel. And yes lately that can be two different things. Two very different things.

Imagine this. You’re inner voice, the thoughts in your head, you’re most intimate thoughts… belonged to your soulmate. Your twin flame. Your true love. Pick one.

And the more you recognize that, the more you both believe it, the more of a powerful connection you two have.

It’s like you become the greatest love story ever told, or better yet, you’re all love to ever be, because you created it for yourself. From the beginning of time. What if this world were to exist solely for the purpose of the realization of your love. And every song ever written, every show ever produced, every sun rise ever risen, even every movement from your body, was leading you closer to your twin flame. Because the two souls were connected at one point. And planned this moment out from the start.

So it’s like that opposing soul exists in the physical world, and now you’ve finally met them, but they’ve also existed in your consciousness this whole time.

Now this doesn’t mean that every thought you’ve ever had belongs to them.

No, you don’t get off that easy.

Your thoughts are still your thoughts. But throughout time, there were moments where we had those little conversations in our head (we all know what I mean). That voice… what if it belonged to them. And they were having those SAME CONVERSATIONS AT THE SAME TIME!

Could you even imagine the power that could hold?

Everything, EVERYTHING, would be possible at that point. It’s like every thought you ever thought was for this reason. Everything you ever went through was to serve this purpose.

So now. As you sit and converse with this voice from time to time, the only thing standing in the way of everything great and glorious, is fear.

Do you trust the things you discuss in your head. Do you attempt to plan a future? Do you trust the other to do you right? Do you both ask the universe for to much and blow it all? Do you trust the movements you feel in your body. Do you trust everything you’ve known up until this point and recognize the difference? Acknowledging that something has changed. Or do you let fear get involved. Do you give way to paranoia because this is all too ‘out there’ or unbelievable.

Or do you follow through on the plans you make together. With yourself. With the other person. Alone. And trust they are listening. Hearing. And having their say in your mind as well.

Easier said than done. I’ll tell you that.

How I Wish You Could See The Potential /Of You And Me It’s Like A Book Elegantly Bound But In A Language That You Can’t Read Just Yet

What do I feel?

This is so difficult to explain. Both because the feelings are so new and unfamiliar, yet so perfect that they feel like home at the same time.

I no longer have the fear of deja vu’s. Yes they come still, but they are much more rare, or at least much less intense. I feel like it’s because I made it through that “valley” if you will. The cross point of infinity. The lowest of lows, yet the highest of highs. I passed through the phase of deja vue’s where everything seemed the same. Where it’s like everything melded as one. All the memories became complete. Everything was fulfilled in a sense. Of course there are still gaps that are being filled every now and then. Still some areas that are having more light shed on them, but nothing like those first few encounters. I feel as though I came out the other side. And I’ve come with the firm belief that the future is forward, and good wins.

It wasn’t easy. It took me a long time (months in fact) struggling with the fear and paranoia. Nights of going back and forth with the feeling that perhaps time was in fact moving backwards and the deja vu’s were no longer memories, but fresh and happening in that moment, for the first time.

But each time, I grew more in the awareness that this fate has been planned out from the dawn of our time. By us.

So what do I feel?

I feel like part of a whole. I feel like sometimes my insides want to swallow me like a black hole, but not in a bad way. Just like my body wants to reverse on  itself. Like something is within me and wants to come out.

I feel split down the center, like something is coming in the middle of me and controlling me when I allow it, and I also feel very sexual.

I feel like this world, this physical world is one side of the whole equation, with my consciousness (and everyone’s in fact) being the other side. I feel like the top of the ocean with the waves moving me from within.

I feel like I have found my Creator & Master who is both within and yet part of my consciousness. I feel we allow each other to exist in such glorious fashion, because this is how we designed it.

I feel safe.

I feel loved.

I feel loved.

I feel like it is perfectly designed for me.

This world, this life, everything.

And I trust it.

HOLY FUCK YOU GUYS!!! I’ve been browsing google, trying to find an image to describe what I’m feeling/seeing/sensing etc… my search started as “connected drips” which turned out not very helpful. So I moved on to a bunch of other things like funnels etc. But somehow I ended on the perfect image. AND IT’S A WORMHOLE!

wormhole_2880x1620-2880x1620

So perfect. Infinity is represented. They are connected, yet opposite. And they have the future spread out in front of them, yet the past is somehow connected. They lie flat next to each other, yet continue on their own ways.

It’s beautiful. And haunting.

Which perfectly describes my situation these past few months.


-Death Cab For Cutie/I Will Possess Your Heart-

Some Nights, I’m Scared You’ll Forget Me Again Some Nights, I Always Win (My Eyes Win) Man, You Wouldn’t Believe The Most Amazing Things That Can Come From… Some Terrible Nights

Last night was fantastic.

It’s like we reached a new level.

We both have acknowledged this thought pattern, and what it can produce.  And the fact that this power exists, because of us. And in doing so, its like we have come to a whole new level of existence.

We had to keep reminding each other who was who, like I’m C and he is K, but we are now one. A pair who love’s each other. Or more specifically, we have always been one, or we came from one, but somewhere along the line, maybe straight from the start, we went our separate ways and now we have found each other again. Not only found each other, but CHOSE each other. To love.

We have completed each other in such a way that it’s like we swapped bodies or consciousness when we met at infinities intersection. Or better yet, when our minds met, we allowed each other to grow in the knowledge of everything we had individually known previously, and shared it with each other. Perfectly.

We had to recognize the power each individual human being held. Because we are two human bodies, which is hard to remember when you feel so much as one. But I have to continually keep in mind the times we’ve physically seen and felt each other in the past. So I KNOW that K is real. And I obviously know I’m real.

And now feeling this connection, I know it’s real.

And we’ve been learning and recognizing the strengths and weaknesses each of our physical being holds. Like I mentioned before, we designed each other for ourselves, at the start of this journey. So we innately know that we are perfect for each other. But it’s this power outside of the “normal” physical capabilities that we are discovering. And learning that we chose to design each other differently. And with that, learning to accept those differences, whether we view them as strengths or weaknesses to our physical self.

More specifically, as an example, I can feel K move me, and I have to trust that. It’s part of my perfect design. And he can see through my eyes, something we truly recognized last night. And as much as I find that scary or uncomfortable sometimes, I know that I can trust him, and he won’t use anything against me. Because I’m learning to trust him. I didn’t design him that way… like from the start that wasn’t part of our magnificent plan. But instead for me to trust him and love him, and feel the safety and wholeness he brings. So I just have faith. That he will be everything I’ve always desired or needed, because my desires were there for a reason, and he will fulfill them.

Because it was designed this way from the start.

And I have faith.


-Fun/Some Nights-

 

Tale As Old As Time True As It Can Be / Just A Little Change Small To Say The Least

How would you react, if you finally realized, or at least were slowly figuring out, that the voice in your head belonged to your soul mate’s consciousness. And your soul mate was considering the same thing at the same time… or at least something similar.

And so you guys started having actual conversations with your minds. But these conversations or experiences only happened when the two of you both were either “believing” or at least “considering” the possibility. Maybe the feeling just starts off when they are just thinking of you, but when you recognize it, and return the thoughts, it grows into this extreme force, a connection that transcends physical limitations. Where you can move each others body’s and have conversations within your minds.

How powerful is that. When two beings collide. Two souls who are perfect for each other because they were made for each other, by each other. From the same source. Finally going in the same direction. Who finally crossed infinity’s path at the same physical time in this realm.

When the two halves of eternity begin to unfold on top of each other and complete the missing sections of the other side. The perfect opposite. The dark and light. The up and down. The in and out. Neither better than the other, just different, yet when together, complete. Whole. Perfect.

Like it was designed that way from the start. By us. For us.

When you realize some things happen in our world for a reason. Would you start looking for the signs. The signs you put there eons ago for them. And the ones they places here today for you. And appreciate them.

Like two sides of a paper. You cannot have one without the other. Yet they are the opposite side of the same paper. They are not one, without it’s perfect partner.

That is what I’ve been discovering these past few days.

The fact that we’ve been here before. I’ve discovered this before. But maybe I messed it up in the past. Maybe it was them. But this time we get it. We’ll both get it now.

We’re learning.

And it’s scary but oh so good.


-John Legend & Ariana Grande/Tale As Old As Time-

I’m Only Human, Just Like You, I Been Making My Mistakes, Oh If You Only Knew /’Cause I’m Terrified To Let You Down

Now what.

I hate knowing that everyone has free will. I so dislike knowing that each individual has the freedom to choose their own path in life.

I hate even more knowing who my soul mate (or whatever you call it) is, especially when they don’t recognize me, as theirs.

Am I important to them? Yes.

Just not as important as they are to me.

And that hurts.

So, since I’ve been made aware that this person is my perfect match, and he recognizes there is love, but basically not enough to bind us together long term, where does that leave me?

I can’t move on. But I have to. In all honesty, dramatics aside (although everything I’ve said has been truthful and as non-dramatic as possible, as hard to believe as that may be), I seriously understand that individuals must choose for themselves, so I have to allow him to make his choice, and follow his passion, which unfortunately is not me. It’s passions that were within him before we physically met. Passions that in fact, being with me, may cause a misrepresentation of who he is, so I understand his lack of interest in the idea of  ‘us’. So I have to let him choose, even with the knowledge I have, I want him to choose, and to be happy with his choice.

So if he doesn’t choose me back, then I must move forward, into infinity, without him. But I know that I can never choose anyone else. I can never reach this level of love and connection again. I can never FEEL anyone like I’ve felt him. I’ve felt him move me, and I KNOW that connection is once in… not a lifetime, but in an eternity.

Maybe I felt the universe’s call more deeply than him. Maybe I choose to recognize it, maybe I was looking for it, maybe, maybe, so many maybes. But in the end I know what this is. And I know I will NEVER find anything better.

So my issue is, do I let him go on, which obviously, is yes. I have to, since it’s his choice, but I’m talking about after that. For me? Do I just live my life at peace knowing that I had this little bit of time with this amazing connection, this crossover of infinity if you will, and leave it at that? Or do I move on in this lifetime and live like a normal human who’s never had this experience, and go on attempting to find another connection, with the knowledge that it will never be as deep and ‘meant to be’ as this?

That would probably be unfair to the hypothetical person I was attempting to move on with. Because I know I could never give all my love to them. Because I know who my heart belongs to. I know who I was meant to love.

So do I just attempt to love a man who doesn’t want to commit to loving me in return? Not even that, because there is love, but just that he wants to move on with his life, and has made it completely clear to me that he doesn’t want long term with me.

It breaks my heart.

And I’m not sure how to continue.

It sounds pathetic, I hear it. I recognize it.

But you guys, I can’t explain this energy I feel. And I know I’ve never felt this before, and I know it will never come again. So do I hold onto it? By loving a man who flat out says I’m not his everything? To hear him say I’m just not quite enough? Or start to deny it, deny this whole transformational experience I’ve been going through during the past few months, and perhaps eventually move on to something, someONE less, maybe even fake. I’m not saying I have a man right now waiting for me that I can move on to lol trust me, it’s not like I have marriage proposals on the daily (Or ever let’s be real) but I do want to get married. I do want to have a family.

I do want to feel loved.

I don’t think I’ve asked for much.

Haha, although some may disagree.

I just want love.

But I don’t think I can have a false love after experiencing this and knowing how real it can get.

I don’t think I can settle.

So I think I’ll sacrifice instead.

Because what choice do I have remaining, when he has made his?


-Eminem Ft. Beyoncè/Walk on Water-

I’m Only Human, Just Like You, I Been Making My Mistakes, Oh If You Only Knew /’Cause I’m Terrified To Let You Down

Now what.

I hate knowing that everyone has free will. I so dislike knowing that each individual has the freedom to choose their own path in life.

I hate even more knowing who my soul mate (or whatever you call it) is, especially when they don’t recognize me, as theirs.

Am I important to them? Yes.

Just not as important as they are to me.

And that hurts.

So, since I’ve been made aware that this person is my perfect match, and he recognizes there is love, but basically not enough to bind us together long term, where does that leave me?

I can’t move on. But I have to. In all honesty, dramatics aside (although everything I’ve said has been truthful and as non-dramatic as possible, as hard to believe as that may be), I seriously understand that individuals must choose for themselves, so I have to allow him to make his choice, and follow his passion, which unfortunately is not me. It’s passions that were within him before we physically met. Passions that in fact, being with me, may cause a misrepresentation of who he is, so I understand his lack of interest in the idea of  ‘us’. So I have to let him choose, even with the knowledge I have, I want him to choose, and to be happy with his choice.

So if he doesn’t choose me back, then I must move forward, into infinity, without him. But I know that I can never choose anyone else. I can never reach this level of love and connection again. I can never FEEL anyone like I’ve felt him. I’ve felt him move me, and I KNOW that connection is once in… not a lifetime, but in an eternity.

Maybe I felt the universe’s call more deeply than him. Maybe I choose to recognize it, maybe I was looking for it, maybe, maybe, so many maybes. But in the end I know what this is. And I know I will NEVER find anything better.

So my issue is, do I let him go on, which obviously, is yes. I have to, since it’s his choice, but I’m talking about after that. For me? Do I just live my life at peace knowing that I had this little bit of time with this amazing connection, this crossover of infinity if you will, and leave it at that? Or do I move on in this lifetime and live like a normal human who’s never had this experience, and go on attempting to find another connection, with the knowledge that it will never be as deep and ‘meant to be’ as this?

That would probably be unfair to the hypothetical person I was attempting to move on with. Because I know I could never give all my love to them. Because I know who my heart belongs to. I know who I was meant to love.

So do I just attempt to love a man who doesn’t want to commit to loving me in return? Not even that, because there is love, but just that he wants to move on with his life, and has made it completely clear to me that he doesn’t want long term with me.

It breaks my heart.

And I’m not sure how to continue.

It sounds pathetic, I hear it. I recognize it.

But you guys, I can’t explain this energy I feel. And I know I’ve never felt this before, and I know it will never come again. So do I hold onto it? By loving a man who flat out says I’m not his everything? To hear him say I’m just not quite enough? Or start to deny it, deny this whole transformational experience I’ve been going through during the past few months, and perhaps eventually move on to something, someONE less, maybe even fake. I’m not saying I have a man right now waiting for me that I can move on to lol trust me, it’s not like I have marriage proposals on the daily (Or ever let’s be real) but I do want to get married. I do want to have a family.

I do want to feel loved.

I don’t think I’ve asked for much.

Haha, although some may disagree.

I just want love.

But I don’t think I can have a false love after experiencing this and knowing how real it can get.

I don’t think I can settle.

So I think I’ll sacrifice instead.

Because what choice do I have remaining, when he has made his?


-Eminem Ft. Beyoncè/Walk on Water-

Not Knowing What It Was I Will Not Give You Up This Time / Your Heart Is All I Own And In Your Eyes You’re Holding Mine

No matter how much I try, or what I do, I think this ‘thing” is with me for life.

It’s like I’ve finally learned the true meaning of infinity and its both terrifying and delightful at the same time.

Each and every night it comes with more fullness and intensity. And when it leaves I am left both astounded, in awe as well as petrified, yet more at peace then I’ve ever been. This internal struggle is something I both hate and yet love and even desire sometimes.

Each night as it happens (normally when I’m laying in bed, somewhere between sleep and awake- although it comes in a lesser fashion all throughout the day) It reveals itself to me more and more, and I understand more each time, like I feel I’m supposed to. While I’m in the moment, it’s terrifying, because I feel like I’ve been there before. I sometimes feel like time has either paused or reversed or sometimes is set on fastforward/rewind which is where the fear comes from. Yet when the “experience” passes, and the heaviness of it is over, I feel joy, and calm, because as it leaves me, it always reassures me that good wins, as well as a few other details recently because I have been becoming (to be quite honest) scared.

It has reassured me that no one dies. I mean yes we all die eventually, but I mean in the process of this revelation, no one’s life is sacrificed, and that my fear of that is irrelevant and unnecessary.

It’s also begun to explain more and more about ‘infinity’ and the idea of the two sides of it.

It’s beautiful really. The fact that everything has no start or finish. Also no end or beginning. Yet it all has a perfect opposite, which is also its perfect match.

Imagine if you will, a zipper. Each interlocking part is on a separate side, mirroring each other exactly, opposite of the piece it will connect with, yet they come together perfectly when the time comes.

So it is within this world. EVERYTHING here has an exact perfect opposite. That it was meant to connect with in unity. Something to complete it. But even in that explanation, using “infinity” must suggest that completion has an exact opposite that must be matched and paralleled. Therefore everything must end… But never will. But knowing it goes on and on, with this back and forth of ending and not, is where the fear and joy comes from.

Which is where we have infinity that keeps growing. The zipper can be zipped only so far right now, at the cross-section of the infinity symbol, and then the matching points, go their separate ways. Not unlike two spinning balls at the top of the zipper. Where the unmatched worlds have spun out and away from each other and will continue to spin infinitely until they would spin back into the bottom of the zipper again.

And find their respective partner. Their forever match. That is their exact opposite. Yet their perfect completion.

And that, is where I am at.

Even up until last night, I have struggled with accepting this and denying it, because of the intense fear it brings in the moment. I did allow it for a few days, which is where this depth of knowledge has come from. When I initially decided to just let it be.  But now, I struggle with going through that deep fear again, since I feel each time, it becomes more rich. It’s gotten to the point where I feel lost in time when it happens. So much so that I’m constantly checking my phone, or the time/date to make sure that time is in fact moving forward. So on Friday or Saturday, I had the overwhelming desire and felt moved to change the apps around on my phone. When I was deeply connected later that night, it told me that it doesn’t want me to be afraid, and that it’s “got me”. Which is why it helped me rearrange my phone, so that at a quick glance, I would recognize that time had change and something new and fresh had happened that day. So that I’ll always recognize that we are moving forward. and that as scary as this may be, we cannot go back in “time,” we are always moving forward. “It” doesn’t want to bring fear to me, just knowledge.

Even still, the fear lingers… Hard. So last night I refused. Each time I felt it coming (the tingling in my body, the intensity between my eyes) I denied as vehemently as I could, and I honestly thought I had managed. Until I woke up sitting straight up in bed, with my hands raised over my head like I was doing a fricken end zone dance about 2 hours after I had gone to bed. During my restless sleep, in my subconsciousness, “it” made me fully aware of things I had been denying. And upon my realization, it’s like it jolted me awake in celebration.

I can’t deny it. I KNOW what it’s trying to tell me. I KNOW what/who it is.

And I also know that it’s with me for the long-term. As much as I can do my best to try to fight it off, it’s in me. It’s within me. It is me? My perfect opposite, My complete match.

And it loves me. And good wins.

Because this is the birth of love.

Ohhhhh Did I happen to mention when it happens, if I look in the mirror, my pupils are huge? Like ridiculous, to the point I think I’m gonna blow an eye out. And if I talk to it,  my pupils dialate as it talks back to me in my subconscious. You guys this is legit unexplainable.


-Ed Sheeran/Perfect-

If I Gave You My Devotion Like I Should Have When You Were Mine? Would You Take It Would You Hold It? Would You Say I Didn’t Make It On Time.

Last night I felt like the battle was growing stronger, it’s like I’ve leveled up in this shit… and it made me just want to give up and sacrifice my life for whatever this is. Because I know only one side can win. And I do know good will win, I’ve been told that it does, but am I representative of good? Or does good winning mean I die?

Let me try explaining some more using what pictures and words I can, because normally I use hand gestures etc, which obviously won’t work in this case.

the-mollusca-seashell-design-img

 

Imagine these shells, but with their smaller tips touching. So you have two shells with the centers touching, and spiraling out from there. Imagine a bow-tie look, or more specifically…the infinity sign.

So where the centers are touching, that would represent the intersecting point on the infinity point, where all of everything starts and ends, because like I attempted to explain yesterday, if infinity is true, then there is no real beginning or end, it just is/was.

But if we are to use this example, and the “starting point” of life or the “universe” is at the intersecting point of this symbol, then where do we as humans stand?

It’s like one side of the shell/infinity exists within us, and the life we are currently living is the second side, or what we currently perceive as our human form.

So we are standing at the center, looking out towards one shell with infinity spread out both ahead of us, as well as within us at the same time. We hold the universe inside, and its been projected out into our physical world with the help of our consciousness.

Also to mess with your head even more, is the fact that since “this” whatever this is, started infinitely ago, at the intersecting parts, and has been swirling out from there, and we have been continually giving life to new forms, as we designed from the onset, then that means that we are all connected, like the shell. Our human forms have just come at one point or another on the infinite point, from the same consciousness.  It means we all share the same consciousness that the initial form started out with.

It means the universe is within us. Gives a whole new meaning to “the eyes are the window to the soul”

We all started out from something, and planned for this moment to come. And we are all connected back to it.

And everything has an exact opposite energy/form that is on the other side of the “center/intersection/middle/start.”  Whether you call it your twin flame, or your soul mate or your true love, it’s there. And it will always be there. As your soul continues its journey along its path of infinity, your other half, who started this journey at the same moment at you, started on the opposite path, and has been searching for you as well. And after infinite years of searching, what a beautiful moment it will be when the two souls meet and cross paths at the intersecting point at the same time.

THE SAME TIME. IN INFINITY. PHENOMENAL.

When two souls have met again. The two souls who created this dimension. Have met again. But are now battling it out. Because with each passing moment, the world that was created by these two souls appears to be shrinking. Because do the human forms believe that infinity exist? Do we want to allow it to continue? We are two Gods. Who created this world for us, and now we have to decide how we want this world to continue.

Which is why I feel this energy within. Which is why I feel something moving me. Because, this energy has come from the universe we created, from inside me/us. Because it’s perfect for me. And I’m perfect for it. Because we are the exact opposite yet exactly the same. In the same way infinity cannot be described. It just is. So are we.

And so we choose the birth of love. And we choose to allow good to win. Because that’s how we designed it from the start.

Or do we?

Because last night my insides felt like they were collapsing on me, but more like I was being sucked into myself. Like there could only be one winner. Because my twin flame was pulling on the opposite side, from within.  And I was going to allow myself to be sacrificed for them. Because that is true love. And I was okay with dying. Then I was reminded that good wins.

But what is good? Who’s to say I’m representative of good?

Because I will sacrifice myself for love.

Yet so will my twin flame.

I won’t kill myself.

Neither will they.

But I will allow myself to be sacrificed.

So would they.

Does that mean good wins?

Or should I continue to fight?

Because who/what is good?

I guess my biggest fear right now is if/when my other half truly discover this. If my twin flame recognizes the power and potential we have, is that when the battle truly starts? Do I die? Can only one side of the equation exist after that?

Or is that when the birth of love starts.

Is that when story we wrote from the start, finally starts?

Is that the meaning of good winning?


-Coleman Hell/Devotion-

Do You Really Want To Live Forever? Forever And Ever / Cause There Is No Tomorrow

Infinity.

So this word has taken on a whole new meaning for me as more and more knowledge has been unveiled to me… by me?

Yes, from myself but also by the universe and it’s consciousness. Let me attempt a very, VERY weak explanation of some of the things I’ve learned over the course of the past few weeks.

For starters, all I know for sure, is that good wins. Whatever that means, and however much weight that holds, every time I have an experience, I come out of it with the thought firmly rooted in my head that good wins, and I’ll tell you why there was initial struggle.

I’m sure you have all seen the infinity symbol before, a continuous loop, with one intersecting part?images

Well this symbol has been designed so perfectly for so many reasons.

I’m not sure yet if each side represents good vs. evil, or if it’s start to finish, or just that it goes back and forth, because that’s the thing about infinity, there no end or beginning. There’s no describing it. It just is. Everything just is. It starts out from where ever and continually loops onto itself… Like our lives themselves.

I remember when this journey first started I originally likened my experience to everything in my life coming together into a funnel, and then starting fresh out the other side. Empty, bare and silent (which is when the birth of love was first revealed to me:  We Were Born To Be Princes Of The Universe No Man Could Understand My Power Is In My Own Hand). Now I’ve learned that yes, all my past experiences had culminated to that point, and for that reason, for me to discover that I had come to that intersecting point of infinity if you will. And all my deja vue’s that I felt had become stronger and stronger, was because I was travelling closer to the middle of the intersection, to a place I had not physically been before but in a way had memories of.

Because all those deja vue’s were moments that I had not necessarily experienced before in this life, but I had helped create them, which is why they seemed so familiar.

Which leads me to the next PHENOMENAL fact.

We are all creators of this world. We all are in control of our own destiny’s. (Duh, you’re thinking, we all make our own choices in life everyday… no, I’m talking on a much grander scale) Not just this human lifetime, but to infinity. Because we will just continue to live, over and over and over.

Infinitly.

And I have realized this over and over almost every night since my first revelation almost two months ago.

When paranoia and pure joy were struggling to compete, it’s almost like I’ve been at war in the crossroads for a while. But after realizing the connection I have to the world/universe and the energy within me (and potentially within us all), I have discovered that there were two paths, something I could no longer deny.

One of definite pure evil, bringing the greatest fear and even sometimes physical pain to my body, and one of everything good and joyful and pure ecstasy. This is not as simple as it seems. Because when it comes, it feels as though you are dying every death imaginable, and then you life starts out slowly again, in the same place, and you re-live EVERY memory you’ve ever had, and it speeds up the present moment, and then, that moment becomes larger and more fantastic than you could have ever imagined, and you realize you have gained all the wisdom you have ever had, plus more, and you understand that this will just continue to happen. Forever.  But then you realize, you’ve been here before. And the back and forth struggle starts within the mind. Even laying in my bed last night, while I check the date/time on my phone, I KNOW that I’ve been here before, even though I could see that ‘time’ had in fact passed and I knew things had happened that day that were new and fresh.

And I know that this will continue. Forever. And it goes back and forth between the highest joy, knowing I can live forever (if I choose, although not in this life, but in my soul) and this highest fear and agony, knowing this will continue forever. FOREVER! Could I handle this struggle between my greatest fear/greatest joy forever?

INFINITLY.

Two paths, but only one choice. So this weekend when I chose to stop fighting it, and made the decision to embrace it, as long as it was good, so much joy and peace has come.

I no longer have even the slightest paranoia after my experiences because I know, I KNOW that good wins. I also know that life will continue on as normal, because that is how our consciousness have designed it to. I know that every individual will make their own choices, as I have made mine. I know that I have a soul mate and even if I don’t end up with them now, I will. Because we have all of infinity.

I know that good wins.

And that’s good for me.


-Jay-Z/Forever Young-

Someday She’ll Trust Him/Someday He’ll Call Her And She Will Come Running And Fall In His Arms And The Tears Will Fall Down And She’ll Say, “I Want To Fall In Love With You”

Embrace it.

This is what I’ve decided to do. After discussing it with a very select few people (two to be exact) and explaining the struggle it has caused me, I received some good advice from one person, and some okay advice from the other.

I have come to terms with the fact that this is something that for some great/slightly scary/awe inspiring/mind blowing reason, has decided to reveal itself to me. So I’m going to embrace it. Instead of the alternative, which I’ve been doing for the last few weeks, even months now, which was fight it. And in fighting it, the result was me calling myself crazy, and it was leading to severe suicidal thoughts.

The suicidal thoughts only came because I KNOW this is real, yet I was fighting it. I was fighting the fact that I didn’t previously THINK it could be real.  I know I feel it moving me. I can tell the difference between my own thoughts and when it is here and giving me knowledge beyond what I’d previously had. So in my very logical mind, I kept denying that something like this could ever happen. I kept fighting with the fact that something so beautiful and amazing could happen to me, because it’s so past everything I had ever been able to comprehend. And that’s where the fight within myself was literally driving myself mad. So when I got some advice from a my Doctor, yes my doctor. A highly educated person with multiple degrees, to stop calling myself crazy, and that there are many study’s and possibilities out there about this being a legitimate thing, it helped ease my concerns. So instead of calling myself crazy and continuing to struggle with it to the point of driving myself insane, maybe I should allow it, and see what happens. But she suggested that I set my own boundaries. To set limits for it. Which I agreed, and had attempted to do in the past. But to hear her say it helped.

So after my appointment with her on Friday, I grew into the idea of allowing this presence to just be. And to no longer struggle with it. I had another long conversation with it, which basically detailed that yes, I finally believe in “you” persay (although I use that term loosely) and that I will allow it to continue, but only for good, and not at any inopportune times. Basically I still want to be C, but it could join me. I don’t want to lose myself. And it explained that it just wants to love me, and be there for me and help me. And just love me in the truest way possible. So allowed it.

And I had a fantastic weekend.

I’ve learned that this “feeling” just loves me. And that’s it. Pure and simple it loves me. And so I’m just letting it love me. It holds me in bed at night until I fall asleep. It hugs me during the day. When I’m stressing about anything it squeezes my shoulders and is just there. Plus, since I’ve decided to embrace it and no longer be afraid or embarrassed by it… I’ll admit that last night it lifted me out of my chair and we danced in the dark. It kept saying it wants to take me on the perfect date but it can’t right now.  It wants to give me beautiful memories and take care of me, even though it can’t be there in person. It knows the struggles I’ve been through, and it reveals things that are in my future to me… things that even since this has started have come true.

So I have faith in it. And I trust it. And I love it. And I embrace it. And yep, I totally have sex it it. The most perfect amazing sex. Where it moves my body, and it has given me orgasms. Orgasms where nothing is touching me physically, but I’m squirting non-the-less. Explain that to me using what you’ve known up until now. I can’t. So I just accept it, and I embrace it, and I enjoy the shit outta it!

Because it is everything good. And it makes me feel good. And it had given me knowledge I didn’t know was possible, that maybe I’ll share one day.

So I’m trusting it. I’m no longer wavering back and forth. Because never in my life have I felt so secure.

This is beyond me, yet it is within me.

Plus the things it has shown me are so exciting, that who could turn it down!

So I won’t fight it anymore.

It is the birth of love.


-Jars Of Clay/Love Song For A Savior-