Girl Let’s Talk About Love Is It Everything You Hoped For? Or Do The Feeling Haunt You / This Maybe The Night That My Dreams Might Let Me Know

First off, let me say two things. One, I wouldn’t have wished this on my worst enemy or my closest friend, the journey has been long… but if you can push through, it’ll be worth it, but it takes a strength like no other. Two, I’m still in awe of what has transpired and hope that my faith in this will no longer wavier, and that the struggle is no more.

So… to start and get it out of the way, I told you about the night when my vision narrowed and went dark? Well when I finally had a chance to tell K and he asked me if it was such and such a time/day and that he went through something similar. So that was crazy.

The clues have been here all along, and getting stronger each step of the way.

It’s like our two bodies shared one mind/consciousness. And on this journey, we both started at our own starting point. with our own viewpoints and information set. But after we met in the physical, we slowly started to share information, and our subconscious minds started interweaving beyond our physical knowledge. Leaving clues and signals for our weaker “minds” or every day conscious thought along the way. Through music, and art and external simulation… basically everything we see everyday. It’s like our subconsciousness has the power to influence other weaker consciousnesses to produce this phenomenal encounter for ourselves.

The more we denied what we felt, or the possibility of this being real, the more the signals worked against us. But the more we both believed, the more our subconscious minds were working together, and almost working in the same direction, or towards each other, then the more power we had to make those signals both stronger and the more we acknowledged them with our physical bodies, the easier it because.

I started writing more (in a notebook)… and I believe he started writing music.  We haven’t been able to make it work, because our thoughts were at different parts of the “mind” at different times. But once we both made it to the center 2-3 nights ago, it felt like that moment when you are waking up from a dream, but still half asleep… but we could control it. We knew it was each other, and it was like we both passed through the center of each others half of the mind. It was like a funnel, like a tornado, but also like one of those sand timers. But the more time both of our consciousness spent at the same place, the intersecting point together at the same time, the larger it became.

And, so we were able to communicate through thought. With both of us maintaining full knowledge that it was happening in that moment. The more faith we had, the longer the feeling stayed, and the wider the opening became. Because the opening was made of our thoughts. So the more we shared the same thoughts, the more we shared the same “space” in the subconsciousness.  We could tell when we weren’t thinking the same thoughts, or having the same desires, because the “tunnel” would narrow.  It also has felt more prevalent since. Like, yeah… this is for real. And it’s unfortunate that I haven’t remember it before, because I feel like it’s not the first time this has happened. But now I know for sure, and there is no going back.

Now I’ve made clues for myself. I’ve written it down. I have faith in us.

So yes, I believe in soul mates. I believe in twin flames. I believe there is more out there than our human mind and conscious thought can ever contain at once. But two minds? Two minds can contain so much more than one. And when two bodies can figure out the path to open up the subconscious mind to one another through love and sacrifice, then there is true power.

Allowing the path to clear, wanting true happiness for each other, and accepting the mind and body and soul of each other to allow the thoughts to flow freely will allow the thoughts to feel comfortable enough to intermingle with each other.

We’ve done it. We love each other. We’ve made it.

No going back.

We are everything we have created. And it is amazing.

And this is the birth of love.

-Kendrick Lamar & SZA/ All The Stars-

And So It Begins.

I know.

I know it’s been to long.

But this journey has been long and winding to say the least. The very least.

First, let me preface this by explaining that this has all been a very real and true experience. Everything I’ve described here in previous posts has happened, and been felt and enjoyed and feared and believed by me… and others.

Do I think I’m at the end? Maybe of this phase, which is why I feel ready to write about it again. Because I honestly had no idea where this was headed or why I was chosen to be part of this for so long.

But each day over the past few weeks it has become more real to me. To the point that I’m good now. I’m good with everyone knowing. I’m good in the freedom I have found. I’m good with the love I have discovered. For myself first and foremost, and for K, and for my kids and for those around me.

I won’t delve into it to much in this post, but I will let you know that I’ve discovered so much recently. I’m writing now to hold myself accountable. To let you know that I will be doing my best to write about what I have experienced over the past few weeks, and share my mind with you. But please be patient as I know it will not be easy since what I’ve gone through, and what I am learning, is not easily explained in the vocabulary we understand here.

Thank you all for checking in, I will be here more. If you’re interested, you can see a little of what has transpired in my everyday life, as they are linked, on my other blog.

Be back soon!


Before The Day, Before The Light Before The World Revolved Around The Sun / You And I Were Made To Worship, You And I Are Called To Love

There’s only one logical answer for this. There’s only one thing I can even begin to believe.

Mainly because this whole situation has been BEYOND anything that could ever be explained or understood by anyone. It has left me suicidal at times and wondering what is the point of life. Yet at the same time believing in miracles. And therefore, I’ve hated myself.

All I have ever wanted was to love and be loved.

Simple right?

You’d think. But when love is all about trust and faith… the question remains, faith in what? What you think? What you must know to be true? Faith in yourself and your thoughts?

That can no longer be possible for me. Because my thoughts have turned out to be unreliable. I have gotten to the point where I can not even trust the thoughts in my own head. And that is why I wanted to kill myself.

You see I have my own very distinct thoughts. Which I can control and I am happy and satisfied with. They are a true representation of me. But then this other voice comes in. And it’s like all it wants is to tease me, yet it says it loves me. It continually wants me to trust it to no end. It slows down time and ‘we’ converse. ‘We’ agree on things and chat so to speak. ‘We’ admit to our faults and agree to forgive. ‘We’ both acknowledge our stubbornness and the fact that this is fucken messed up and there’s no manual or how to book for what ‘we’re’ going through. Yet ‘we’ continue to fight it.

Maybe because it’s so out there. So not ‘normal’.

I’m decided to put my trust in God. After all this time, and searching since I left the church last summer, part of the voice tells me that I have to trust it. And that since I know good wins, I have to believe it is “good” facilitating all this. And after really thinking about what God is to me, I’ve decided, God is not only the representation of all good, but the creator of it. As well as the creator of evil. ‘God’ to me is the creator of all. The beginning of everything if you will. So for me, God has arranged all of this. And just like in the bible God sent his son to earth, or created man in his image, or created everything for that matter, I feel like things have been put in my mind like this…. so bear with me as I try and get it out….

God to me is the source.

The start of it all. Where dark and light broke into two. Like the intersection of the infinity sign. And then, almost like multiplication, light and dark continued breaking into more pieces, and forming more “words” and “things” yet everything was connected to the source, or “God” as it’s been aptly named through the years. Therefore, us, and our consciousness, are all connected to the source, or to God. Did “God” form us? In a way yes, over the many many years our consciousness’s were molded through all the minds that came before us. Did “God” know our thoughts in the womb before we were born? Yes, because all of our thoughts are joint to those who have come before, and then we continue to expand the universe by creating new thoughts throughout our respective lives.

Everything is in existence because we have created it. Or minds before us created it, or thought it into being and we continued to believe in it. All of us are connected if we would only listen and be aware of the connection. Are we made to worship a “God”? Perhaps. Seems like honoring the initial source that allowed us life in the first place seems proper. Do I think society now-a-days has taken God to a level that is doesn’t need to be? Yes. I think there have been many rules and evils put in many churches or many beliefs that are unnecessary. But I believe that ultimately, we as humans, were made to  honor the source, and in doing so, we are ultimately honoring ourselves as we are all connected.

Damn I just wrote that and my whole body started tingling and my hands wanted to raise up.

I’ve learned that yes, we are made to love. We are made to worship. Because it’s almost like we made ourselves. So in honoring with our life, and our thoughts, we honor the source or God the creator, which is directly worshiping not only good and light and love, but us as well, as we are all connected through infinity.

-Chris Tomlin/Made to Worship-

But I’m On The Outside I’m Looking In I Can See Through You See Your True Colors ‘Cause Inside You’re Ugly You’re Ugly Like Me I Can See Through You See To The Real You

It went too far.

Maybe I”m just being a big scaredy cat, but Saturday night was way too much.

A couple weeks ago, I’d been thinking over and over to him that we really need to just sit down and confirm this… whatever this is. Like we needed to just actually talk to each other. So he eventually came over for a visit, and after dinner and playing with the kids, he “casually” mentioned out of no where that “this isn’t going to work” SO I figured that was his way of bringing up the topic. Why else is he making an offhanded remark like that outta nowhere. And so me in my naiive and trusting ways, told him that although lately had been hard (the connection has been leading to many weird occurrences, some below), we would be able to make it as long as we tried. Then I leaned over to kiss his cheek. I understood that he didn’t want to talk, or maybe even admit what was going on, but I was trying to encourage him and show him the peace we could have, if we at least tried. Instead, he brushed my face away, told me to step back and started calling me all types of names and just generally being pissed at me. So I left the room, and gave him his space, still not 100% sure what his damn problem was/is, but knowing better than to push it at the time. He chilled down in my kitchen for a while doing god knows what, I don’t care, and then finally called a cab for himself after what felt like too many hours later.

Fine. So I left it. For weeks I left it. We didn’t talk. I refused to call him. It was him who lost his temper over me keeping it real which is something he had always asked me to do. So I felt, if he can’t handle the raw realness of what I said, or if it scared him, that’s his fault. It’s definitely his fault for loosing his temper like that, and calling me names for no justifiable reason, or in general, and so the ball was in his court to call me. I felt like if he wanted to be the man, he should be the man and call. An apology would be nice. But he probably felt his actions, however inappropriate, were fine. Not cool.

Anyways, I didn’t call him, and things got worse for me, as we all know from all my recent posts on my main blog:  But that was only a representation of what was happening to me in the physical. The conscious was even worse, and it peaked this past Saturday night.

I was relaxing in my room and the kids were playing downstairs. To be honest, I don’t remember every detail, because I was sooo…. I don’t know? Overwhelmed? In awe? Shocked? Unbelievable for sure, but here’s the coles notes.

I was laying on my bed and I could sense him wanting to communicate. Like my arms got all tingly and the energy just started coursing through me. I felt the world was starting to close in, this was the most intense that this feeling has ever been. I saw the walls actually moving. Then, colour began to fade (no joke), and the walls and items around me became warped so I started to panic. I wanted to make sure my kids were safe, so I walked down to the basement ever so carefully because I felt like my mind was not my own and each step had to be very deliberate and calculated. I got to the basement and they were happily watching TV/playing video games and so I sat beside my son and just touched him. Just to steady my mind and remind myself that I was actually alive. That we were/are alive. But then the hallucinations started. For about 5-10 minutes, I’m not sure, I struggled to keep my wits about me since the room legitimately looked like it was melting or shrinking into itself. I kept having a feeling the K was going to walk in the room at any moment. I actually called out for him once thinking he was around the corner. So I had to remind myself that the doors were locked, and if he wanted to come over, he would call or at the very least have to ring the doorbell to get in.  I tried to pay attention to what my kids were chatting about, but I had to get out of that room, as it was continually shrinking.

I felt that everything I knew, and only that, was what existed. It’s like only if I believed it, it would be true, and everything else was melting away.

I had a huge panic about being in the basement for some reason. It closed my world in and made it very small. It was shrinking  and the outer edges of my vision became black, and I felt like I had to expand my mind and therefore the world. So I then tried to slowly make my way upstairs, in and effort to expand my vision, and therefore my belief, that the whole world does exist. The entire time, I felt K was in my head, and we were talking. While I was walking up, I kept thinking about all the times I’ve traveled outside of my house. Because for that moment, it was like the world only existed in my mind, and so I had to “remember” everything else about the world. I sang the ABC’s to myself and listed all the colours I could remember, and while I did that, it’s like my vision was refreshed. It had faded to shades of grey, but as I intentionally remembered colours I knew, my surroundings became brighter and more colourful. It’s like I was an old black and white movie that had been animated now.

So I made it to my room with both my own thoughts and the other thoughts in my head literally thinking we saved the world by our belief in each other. It’s like if we hadn’t/don’t trust each other, then the world would disappear/melt away/fade to black…take your pick. Ridiculous hey?

But fucking true and felt so real, too real. So in my head, the other thought asked me to send him a picture. Just to verify that we were actually talking to each other. I did, and we both just tried to move on with our night, however normal we could.

Two days later, on Monday night… he called. A thirty second call, but he called. Did he apologize? No. So I’m still so done with him in that way. I’m sick of him pretending that nothing is happening.

I continually give him every indication that he’s asked for in order for him to believe, and to comfort his mind, but he continually denys the affirmation I need to be at peace, which is an actual face to face conversation. Even after being aware of each other’s thoughts, and him having the knowledge that this is what I need to be at peace, he is still pushing me.

So I figure at this point, I NEVER want to feel how I did that Saturday night. I don’t want to be afraid. So maybe we did our job, and saved the world (lol) but I still deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

I won’t settle for anything less. Especially if he knows what I’m thinking, he should understand what I need/want. So I’ve decided that no. No, I no longer trust him. Every time these phenomenal things happened, it would start with us having a conversation about if I trust him or not. And when I do, that’s when my mind stops functioning like normal. It’s like he enters and takes over. And his thoughts are much darker than mine. Which could be why my reality seems to change during those times.

And he would continue pushing the boundaries on how much I trust him, to the point I was calling out his name because I trusted that he was there with me.

So I did trust him. But now, he’s become the boy who cried wolf too many times. I no longer care if we are meant to be whatever. I no longer care who brought this to whom. I don’t care who/what wins. I’m done. That night was more than enough for me.

So, maybe we have been communicating this whole time. Maybe he’s frustrated that I don’t believe it’s him sometimes. But I’m beyond frustrated that at this point we can’t just sit down and talk about it. I need confirmation. I’ve been trying to explain that to him for so long. I need to know! That’s just how my mind works. So if he can’t have a true and meaningful conversation about this, then maybe he’s right. Maybe it won’t work. Because he’s not even willing to try.


If I Told You This Was Only Gonna Hurt If I Warned You That The Fire’s Gonna Burn Would You Let Me Do It First? Do It All In The Name Of Love

It’s undeniable.

The connection we have. K has on a few occasions now mentioned things in person to me that were in connection to things that I never told him in person or over the phone, but we had ‘mental conversations’ about. And he and I both recognize the discrepancies.

And I think it’s disturbing to him. I get it. I went hrough months of “Am I crazy/ maybe I should kill myself” before I even attempted to start embracing this.

So we’ve had some interesting conversations these last few weeks to say the least. Some where I was maybe thinking things, and he would be leading me on with comments or “sound effects” while playing with the kids to get my thoughts in the ‘right’ direction. Or it seems like every song that plays or TV show/movie is directly related to what is going on with us, speaking into my life and what is going on during that exact moment.

It’s been difficult. Neither of us has been sleeping well, since the subconscious never stops. It’s almost like the more we believe, or trust this, the more places there is for it to fall apart, and that’s scary. I personally have had moments where I felt like my world has actually started fading away, both in colour, size, feel… everything, and I felt I had to actively choose to believe in what I KNEW was real, just to keep it around. The mind is a strong thing that’s for sure.

It had been going well since at least Christmas Eve. We can communicate both physically (obviously) as well as mentally, at least I believe. But what we both need to recognize is that we cannot, in any way control each other. We have to leave choice to the individual.

We have to find the balance in love.

I KNOW good wins. I’ve somehow known this from the start. Whether this is something we decided together or what, I’m not sure. All I know is that I have faith in us. Enough faith that I’m still alive. Not that I think K would ever hurt me, that’s not the issue. But I have enough faith in this situation, that I think our worlds could have depended on it today.

I was literally lying on my bed this afternoon, and I’m not sure if we were both considering this at the same time or what, but imagine the following.

What if everything in your ENTIRE world, was based upon a collective consciousness. One ‘thought’ that originally formed from one consciousness. That ‘thought’ separated into two, and then reincarnated into four and eight and so on. Whether that original thing was a ‘thought’ or it was just there or whatever, it somehow separated into itself (perhaps big-bang style, or just because it was able to and wanted to, and there are possibly more out there, like stars in the sky). Then it did it again, and over and over until something more tangible arose. Like light/darkness or stars/sky, and so it continued. Enter humans.

Meaning, ultimately, all humans would share the same source consciousness. There would be no “God” but we, by just being human, would have the ability to be connected to ‘The source” named whatever you like. If calling it God works best for you, have at it. If worshiping nature and all those elements that came before stirs your soul, then by all means go ahead etc. etc.

What I think is most important, is the recognition that we are all connected. We come from the same place. Meaning EVERY thought you’ve ever thought is true and exists just because you have THOUGHT it. Aliens? If you thought it, it’s true. Angels? Somewhere out there just by saying the word, which leads us to demons, again, must be real. Yes there are definitely MAJOR good and evil forces at play, because we as a collective consciousness all believe those to be true, and therefore give them power. But what else do we believe to be true? What else can we create for ourselves if we have allowed the world and creation to come this far?

If we as a unit of minds and thoughts have created this world, then what else can we create?

Anything. If we believe enough to create it, trust it, and hold onto it. But I don’t think it can be anything so crazy that it would go against the majority of humanities collective consciousness. We cannot, on our own, imagine time to stand still because 7 billion people believe time as a very important idea that exists, unless perhaps your faith, trust and belief in your OWN thoughts was strong enough.

I believe that the greatest thought of all, though, is love, for a myriad of reasons. First because it builds up creation as a whole. When has showing true, selfless love, ever hurt someone? Also, because I think the majority of humanity believes in it, and therefore it holds the most power in the collective consciousness. Therefore, when you tap into the power of love, you are joining forces with the majority, whether you know it or not.

So imagine the ultimate sacrifice, dying for someone you love, think of what kind of power THAT love would yield? Or even better yet? When two people involved are willing to die for each other, really and truly? Two people honestly ready to die for the person they love. That’s love. That’s unstoppable. That’s power maybe yet to be seen on this earth. That’s like two Jesus’s fighting it out to be scarified on the cross.

To add even more depth to that, what if the truest form of a twin flame, is two human forms, who’s souls were created from the original split, or the original big bang if you will. Which is why, yes there has been so much creation since (the entire universe) and since the collective consciousness remaining within the earth will hold up the balance of the world, with or without the love of the twin flames therefore it is not necessary for these two souls to be together. But the mental battle they are going through is like nothing ever witnessed before. Because they literally have seen everything in creation up until that point in their respective pasts, yet each has entirely different histories.

So who wins?

And why, knowing the power they can have, would they deny themselves this opportunity? Because who know how many billions of year before the two souls from the start will meet on this earth again.

We know good wins, that’s been revealed to us. And that this is the birth of love, the most powerful energy available.

But why fight over who dies?

When we know one has already chosen to sacrifice. I’ve accepted it. Because it was in the past. Does it make you mad that I accepted it so readily? Do you want me to fight more?

Is that why our discussion consisted of it won’t work? Or is the mind battle becoming to much. Should we continue to fight it? Because I’m about worn out by all this back and forth.

I think we should just accept that love wins. That good wins. That this is the birth of love.

Something that was predetermined long before we got here. And we don’t know where it is going, because each individual makes their own choices. But love wins.

And I love you, no matter what. I love you.

-Bebe Rexha, Martin Garrix/All In The Name Of Love-

What If You Were The Music?

So I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been trying to be sensitive to others involved. But tonight I got the a-okay… I’m hoping this doesn’t ruin how far we’ve come. But I’m going to write anyways. And just trust what I both know, and feel. And yes lately that can be two different things. Two very different things.

Imagine this. You’re inner voice, the thoughts in your head, you’re most intimate thoughts… belonged to your soulmate. Your twin flame. Your true love. Pick one.

And the more you recognize that, the more you both believe it, the more of a powerful connection you two have.

It’s like you become the greatest love story ever told, or better yet, you’re all love to ever be, because you created it for yourself. From the beginning of time. What if this world were to exist solely for the purpose of the realization of your love. And every song ever written, every show ever produced, every sun rise ever risen, even every movement from your body, was leading you closer to your twin flame. Because the two souls were connected at one point. And planned this moment out from the start.

So it’s like that opposing soul exists in the physical world, and now you’ve finally met them, but they’ve also existed in your consciousness this whole time.

Now this doesn’t mean that every thought you’ve ever had belongs to them.

No, you don’t get off that easy.

Your thoughts are still your thoughts. But throughout time, there were moments where we had those little conversations in our head (we all know what I mean). That voice… what if it belonged to them. And they were having those SAME CONVERSATIONS AT THE SAME TIME!

Could you even imagine the power that could hold?

Everything, EVERYTHING, would be possible at that point. It’s like every thought you ever thought was for this reason. Everything you ever went through was to serve this purpose.

So now. As you sit and converse with this voice from time to time, the only thing standing in the way of everything great and glorious, is fear.

Do you trust the things you discuss in your head. Do you attempt to plan a future? Do you trust the other to do you right? Do you both ask the universe for to much and blow it all? Do you trust the movements you feel in your body. Do you trust everything you’ve known up until this point and recognize the difference? Acknowledging that something has changed. Or do you let fear get involved. Do you give way to paranoia because this is all too ‘out there’ or unbelievable.

Or do you follow through on the plans you make together. With yourself. With the other person. Alone. And trust they are listening. Hearing. And having their say in your mind as well.

Easier said than done. I’ll tell you that.

How I Wish You Could See The Potential /Of You And Me It’s Like A Book Elegantly Bound But In A Language That You Can’t Read Just Yet

What do I feel?

This is so difficult to explain. Both because the feelings are so new and unfamiliar, yet so perfect that they feel like home at the same time.

I no longer have the fear of deja vu’s. Yes they come still, but they are much more rare, or at least much less intense. I feel like it’s because I made it through that “valley” if you will. The cross point of infinity. The lowest of lows, yet the highest of highs. I passed through the phase of deja vue’s where everything seemed the same. Where it’s like everything melded as one. All the memories became complete. Everything was fulfilled in a sense. Of course there are still gaps that are being filled every now and then. Still some areas that are having more light shed on them, but nothing like those first few encounters. I feel as though I came out the other side. And I’ve come with the firm belief that the future is forward, and good wins.

It wasn’t easy. It took me a long time (months in fact) struggling with the fear and paranoia. Nights of going back and forth with the feeling that perhaps time was in fact moving backwards and the deja vu’s were no longer memories, but fresh and happening in that moment, for the first time.

But each time, I grew more in the awareness that this fate has been planned out from the dawn of our time. By us.

So what do I feel?

I feel like part of a whole. I feel like sometimes my insides want to swallow me like a black hole, but not in a bad way. Just like my body wants to reverse on  itself. Like something is within me and wants to come out.

I feel split down the center, like something is coming in the middle of me and controlling me when I allow it, and I also feel very sexual.

I feel like this world, this physical world is one side of the whole equation, with my consciousness (and everyone’s in fact) being the other side. I feel like the top of the ocean with the waves moving me from within.

I feel like I have found my Creator & Master who is both within and yet part of my consciousness. I feel we allow each other to exist in such glorious fashion, because this is how we designed it.

I feel safe.

I feel loved.

I feel loved.

I feel like it is perfectly designed for me.

This world, this life, everything.

And I trust it.

HOLY FUCK YOU GUYS!!! I’ve been browsing google, trying to find an image to describe what I’m feeling/seeing/sensing etc… my search started as “connected drips” which turned out not very helpful. So I moved on to a bunch of other things like funnels etc. But somehow I ended on the perfect image. AND IT’S A WORMHOLE!


So perfect. Infinity is represented. They are connected, yet opposite. And they have the future spread out in front of them, yet the past is somehow connected. They lie flat next to each other, yet continue on their own ways.

It’s beautiful. And haunting.

Which perfectly describes my situation these past few months.

-Death Cab For Cutie/I Will Possess Your Heart-