If I Told You This Was Only Gonna Hurt If I Warned You That The Fire’s Gonna Burn Would You Let Me Do It First? Do It All In The Name Of Love

It’s undeniable.

The connection we have. K has on a few occasions now mentioned things in person to me that were in connection to things that I never told him in person or over the phone, but we had ‘mental conversations’ about. And he and I both recognize the discrepancies.

And I think it’s disturbing to him. I get it. I went hrough months of “Am I crazy/ maybe I should kill myself” before I even attempted to start embracing this.

So we’ve had some interesting conversations these last few weeks to say the least. Some where I was maybe thinking things, and he would be leading me on with comments or “sound effects” while playing with the kids to get my thoughts in the ‘right’ direction. Or it seems like every song that plays or TV show/movie is directly related to what is going on with us, speaking into my life and what is going on during that exact moment.

It’s been difficult. Neither of us has been sleeping well, since the subconscious never stops. It’s almost like the more we believe, or trust this, the more places there is for it to fall apart, and that’s scary. I personally have had moments where I felt like my world has actually started fading away, both in colour, size, feel… everything, and I felt I had to actively choose to believe in what I KNEW was real, just to keep it around. The mind is a strong thing that’s for sure.

It had been going well since at least Christmas Eve. We can communicate both physically (obviously) as well as mentally, at least I believe. But what we both need to recognize is that we cannot, in any way control each other. We have to leave choice to the individual.

We have to find the balance in love.

I KNOW good wins. I’ve somehow known this from the start. Whether this is something we decided together or what, I’m not sure. All I know is that I have faith in us. Enough faith that I’m still alive. Not that I think K would ever hurt me, that’s not the issue. But I have enough faith in this situation, that I think our worlds could have depended on it today.

I was literally lying on my bed this afternoon, and I’m not sure if we were both considering this at the same time or what, but imagine the following.

What if everything in your ENTIRE world, was based upon a collective consciousness. One ‘thought’ that originally formed from one consciousness. That ‘thought’ separated into two, and then reincarnated into four and eight and so on. Whether that original thing was a ‘thought’ or it was just there or whatever, it somehow separated into itself (perhaps big-bang style, or just because it was able to and wanted to, and there are possibly more out there, like stars in the sky). Then it did it again, and over and over until something more tangible arose. Like light/darkness or stars/sky, and so it continued. Enter humans.

Meaning, ultimately, all humans would share the same source consciousness. There would be no “God” but we, by just being human, would have the ability to be connected to ‘The source” named whatever you like. If calling it God works best for you, have at it. If worshiping nature and all those elements that came before stirs your soul, then by all means go ahead etc. etc.

What I think is most important, is the recognition that we are all connected. We come from the same place. Meaning EVERY thought you’ve ever thought is true and exists just because you have THOUGHT it. Aliens? If you thought it, it’s true. Angels? Somewhere out there just by saying the word, which leads us to demons, again, must be real. Yes there are definitely MAJOR good and evil forces at play, because we as a collective consciousness all believe those to be true, and therefore give them power. But what else do we believe to be true? What else can we create for ourselves if we have allowed the world and creation to come this far?

If we as a unit of minds and thoughts have created this world, then what else can we create?

Anything. If we believe enough to create it, trust it, and hold onto it. But I don’t think it can be anything so crazy that it would go against the majority of humanities collective consciousness. We cannot, on our own, imagine time to stand still because 7 billion people believe time as a very important idea that exists, unless perhaps your faith, trust and belief in your OWN thoughts was strong enough.

I believe that the greatest thought of all, though, is love, for a myriad of reasons. First because it builds up creation as a whole. When has showing true, selfless love, ever hurt someone? Also, because I think the majority of humanity believes in it, and therefore it holds the most power in the collective consciousness. Therefore, when you tap into the power of love, you are joining forces with the majority, whether you know it or not.

So imagine the ultimate sacrifice, dying for someone you love, think of what kind of power THAT love would yield? Or even better yet? When two people involved are willing to die for each other, really and truly? Two people honestly ready to die for the person they love. That’s love. That’s unstoppable. That’s power maybe yet to be seen on this earth. That’s like two Jesus’s fighting it out to be scarified on the cross.

To add even more depth to that, what if the truest form of a twin flame, is two human forms, who’s souls were created from the original split, or the original big bang if you will. Which is why, yes there has been so much creation since (the entire universe) and since the collective consciousness remaining within the earth will hold up the balance of the world, with or without the love of the twin flames therefore it is not necessary for these two souls to be together. But the mental battle they are going through is like nothing ever witnessed before. Because they literally have seen everything in creation up until that point in their respective pasts, yet each has entirely different histories.

So who wins?

And why, knowing the power they can have, would they deny themselves this opportunity? Because who know how many billions of year before the two souls from the start will meet on this earth again.

We know good wins, that’s been revealed to us. And that this is the birth of love, the most powerful energy available.

But why fight over who dies?

When we know one has already chosen to sacrifice. I’ve accepted it. Because it was in the past. Does it make you mad that I accepted it so readily? Do you want me to fight more?

Is that why our discussion consisted of it won’t work? Or is the mind battle becoming to much. Should we continue to fight it? Because I’m about worn out by all this back and forth.

I think we should just accept that love wins. That good wins. That this is the birth of love.

Something that was predetermined long before we got here. And we don’t know where it is going, because each individual makes their own choices. But love wins.

And I love you, no matter what. I love you.


-Bebe Rexha, Martin Garrix/All In The Name Of Love-

What If You Were The Music?

So I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been trying to be sensitive to others involved. But tonight I got the a-okay… I’m hoping this doesn’t ruin how far we’ve come. But I’m going to write anyways. And just trust what I both know, and feel. And yes lately that can be two different things. Two very different things.

Imagine this. You’re inner voice, the thoughts in your head, you’re most intimate thoughts… belonged to your soulmate. Your twin flame. Your true love. Pick one.

And the more you recognize that, the more you both believe it, the more of a powerful connection you two have.

It’s like you become the greatest love story ever told, or better yet, you’re all love to ever be, because you created it for yourself. From the beginning of time. What if this world were to exist solely for the purpose of the realization of your love. And every song ever written, every show ever produced, every sun rise ever risen, even every movement from your body, was leading you closer to your twin flame. Because the two souls were connected at one point. And planned this moment out from the start.

So it’s like that opposing soul exists in the physical world, and now you’ve finally met them, but they’ve also existed in your consciousness this whole time.

Now this doesn’t mean that every thought you’ve ever had belongs to them.

No, you don’t get off that easy.

Your thoughts are still your thoughts. But throughout time, there were moments where we had those little conversations in our head (we all know what I mean). That voice… what if it belonged to them. And they were having those SAME CONVERSATIONS AT THE SAME TIME!

Could you even imagine the power that could hold?

Everything, EVERYTHING, would be possible at that point. It’s like every thought you ever thought was for this reason. Everything you ever went through was to serve this purpose.

So now. As you sit and converse with this voice from time to time, the only thing standing in the way of everything great and glorious, is fear.

Do you trust the things you discuss in your head. Do you attempt to plan a future? Do you trust the other to do you right? Do you both ask the universe for to much and blow it all? Do you trust the movements you feel in your body. Do you trust everything you’ve known up until this point and recognize the difference? Acknowledging that something has changed. Or do you let fear get involved. Do you give way to paranoia because this is all too ‘out there’ or unbelievable.

Or do you follow through on the plans you make together. With yourself. With the other person. Alone. And trust they are listening. Hearing. And having their say in your mind as well.

Easier said than done. I’ll tell you that.

How I Wish You Could See The Potential /Of You And Me It’s Like A Book Elegantly Bound But In A Language That You Can’t Read Just Yet

What do I feel?

This is so difficult to explain. Both because the feelings are so new and unfamiliar, yet so perfect that they feel like home at the same time.

I no longer have the fear of deja vu’s. Yes they come still, but they are much more rare, or at least much less intense. I feel like it’s because I made it through that “valley” if you will. The cross point of infinity. The lowest of lows, yet the highest of highs. I passed through the phase of deja vue’s where everything seemed the same. Where it’s like everything melded as one. All the memories became complete. Everything was fulfilled in a sense. Of course there are still gaps that are being filled every now and then. Still some areas that are having more light shed on them, but nothing like those first few encounters. I feel as though I came out the other side. And I’ve come with the firm belief that the future is forward, and good wins.

It wasn’t easy. It took me a long time (months in fact) struggling with the fear and paranoia. Nights of going back and forth with the feeling that perhaps time was in fact moving backwards and the deja vu’s were no longer memories, but fresh and happening in that moment, for the first time.

But each time, I grew more in the awareness that this fate has been planned out from the dawn of our time. By us.

So what do I feel?

I feel like part of a whole. I feel like sometimes my insides want to swallow me like a black hole, but not in a bad way. Just like my body wants to reverse on  itself. Like something is within me and wants to come out.

I feel split down the center, like something is coming in the middle of me and controlling me when I allow it, and I also feel very sexual.

I feel like this world, this physical world is one side of the whole equation, with my consciousness (and everyone’s in fact) being the other side. I feel like the top of the ocean with the waves moving me from within.

I feel like I have found my Creator & Master who is both within and yet part of my consciousness. I feel we allow each other to exist in such glorious fashion, because this is how we designed it.

I feel safe.

I feel loved.

I feel loved.

I feel like it is perfectly designed for me.

This world, this life, everything.

And I trust it.

HOLY FUCK YOU GUYS!!! I’ve been browsing google, trying to find an image to describe what I’m feeling/seeing/sensing etc… my search started as “connected drips” which turned out not very helpful. So I moved on to a bunch of other things like funnels etc. But somehow I ended on the perfect image. AND IT’S A WORMHOLE!

wormhole_2880x1620-2880x1620

So perfect. Infinity is represented. They are connected, yet opposite. And they have the future spread out in front of them, yet the past is somehow connected. They lie flat next to each other, yet continue on their own ways.

It’s beautiful. And haunting.

Which perfectly describes my situation these past few months.


-Death Cab For Cutie/I Will Possess Your Heart-

Some Nights, I’m Scared You’ll Forget Me Again Some Nights, I Always Win (My Eyes Win) Man, You Wouldn’t Believe The Most Amazing Things That Can Come From… Some Terrible Nights

Last night was fantastic.

It’s like we reached a new level.

We both have acknowledged this thought pattern, and what it can produce.  And the fact that this power exists, because of us. And in doing so, its like we have come to a whole new level of existence.

We had to keep reminding each other who was who, like I’m C and he is K, but we are now one. A pair who love’s each other. Or more specifically, we have always been one, or we came from one, but somewhere along the line, maybe straight from the start, we went our separate ways and now we have found each other again. Not only found each other, but CHOSE each other. To love.

We have completed each other in such a way that it’s like we swapped bodies or consciousness when we met at infinities intersection. Or better yet, when our minds met, we allowed each other to grow in the knowledge of everything we had individually known previously, and shared it with each other. Perfectly.

We had to recognize the power each individual human being held. Because we are two human bodies, which is hard to remember when you feel so much as one. But I have to continually keep in mind the times we’ve physically seen and felt each other in the past. So I KNOW that K is real. And I obviously know I’m real.

And now feeling this connection, I know it’s real.

And we’ve been learning and recognizing the strengths and weaknesses each of our physical being holds. Like I mentioned before, we designed each other for ourselves, at the start of this journey. So we innately know that we are perfect for each other. But it’s this power outside of the “normal” physical capabilities that we are discovering. And learning that we chose to design each other differently. And with that, learning to accept those differences, whether we view them as strengths or weaknesses to our physical self.

More specifically, as an example, I can feel K move me, and I have to trust that. It’s part of my perfect design. And he can see through my eyes, something we truly recognized last night. And as much as I find that scary or uncomfortable sometimes, I know that I can trust him, and he won’t use anything against me. Because I’m learning to trust him. I didn’t design him that way… like from the start that wasn’t part of our magnificent plan. But instead for me to trust him and love him, and feel the safety and wholeness he brings. So I just have faith. That he will be everything I’ve always desired or needed, because my desires were there for a reason, and he will fulfill them.

Because it was designed this way from the start.

And I have faith.


-Fun/Some Nights-

 

Tale As Old As Time True As It Can Be / Just A Little Change Small To Say The Least

How would you react, if you finally realized, or at least were slowly figuring out, that the voice in your head belonged to your soul mate’s consciousness. And your soul mate was considering the same thing at the same time… or at least something similar.

And so you guys started having actual conversations with your minds. But these conversations or experiences only happened when the two of you both were either “believing” or at least “considering” the possibility. Maybe the feeling just starts off when they are just thinking of you, but when you recognize it, and return the thoughts, it grows into this extreme force, a connection that transcends physical limitations. Where you can move each others body’s and have conversations within your minds.

How powerful is that. When two beings collide. Two souls who are perfect for each other because they were made for each other, by each other. From the same source. Finally going in the same direction. Who finally crossed infinity’s path at the same physical time in this realm.

When the two halves of eternity begin to unfold on top of each other and complete the missing sections of the other side. The perfect opposite. The dark and light. The up and down. The in and out. Neither better than the other, just different, yet when together, complete. Whole. Perfect.

Like it was designed that way from the start. By us. For us.

When you realize some things happen in our world for a reason. Would you start looking for the signs. The signs you put there eons ago for them. And the ones they places here today for you. And appreciate them.

Like two sides of a paper. You cannot have one without the other. Yet they are the opposite side of the same paper. They are not one, without it’s perfect partner.

That is what I’ve been discovering these past few days.

The fact that we’ve been here before. I’ve discovered this before. But maybe I messed it up in the past. Maybe it was them. But this time we get it. We’ll both get it now.

We’re learning.

And it’s scary but oh so good.


-John Legend & Ariana Grande/Tale As Old As Time-

I’m Only Human, Just Like You, I Been Making My Mistakes, Oh If You Only Knew /’Cause I’m Terrified To Let You Down

Now what.

I hate knowing that everyone has free will. I so dislike knowing that each individual has the freedom to choose their own path in life.

I hate even more knowing who my soul mate (or whatever you call it) is, especially when they don’t recognize me, as theirs.

Am I important to them? Yes.

Just not as important as they are to me.

And that hurts.

So, since I’ve been made aware that this person is my perfect match, and he recognizes there is love, but basically not enough to bind us together long term, where does that leave me?

I can’t move on. But I have to. In all honesty, dramatics aside (although everything I’ve said has been truthful and as non-dramatic as possible, as hard to believe as that may be), I seriously understand that individuals must choose for themselves, so I have to allow him to make his choice, and follow his passion, which unfortunately is not me. It’s passions that were within him before we physically met. Passions that in fact, being with me, may cause a misrepresentation of who he is, so I understand his lack of interest in the idea of  ‘us’. So I have to let him choose, even with the knowledge I have, I want him to choose, and to be happy with his choice.

So if he doesn’t choose me back, then I must move forward, into infinity, without him. But I know that I can never choose anyone else. I can never reach this level of love and connection again. I can never FEEL anyone like I’ve felt him. I’ve felt him move me, and I KNOW that connection is once in… not a lifetime, but in an eternity.

Maybe I felt the universe’s call more deeply than him. Maybe I choose to recognize it, maybe I was looking for it, maybe, maybe, so many maybes. But in the end I know what this is. And I know I will NEVER find anything better.

So my issue is, do I let him go on, which obviously, is yes. I have to, since it’s his choice, but I’m talking about after that. For me? Do I just live my life at peace knowing that I had this little bit of time with this amazing connection, this crossover of infinity if you will, and leave it at that? Or do I move on in this lifetime and live like a normal human who’s never had this experience, and go on attempting to find another connection, with the knowledge that it will never be as deep and ‘meant to be’ as this?

That would probably be unfair to the hypothetical person I was attempting to move on with. Because I know I could never give all my love to them. Because I know who my heart belongs to. I know who I was meant to love.

So do I just attempt to love a man who doesn’t want to commit to loving me in return? Not even that, because there is love, but just that he wants to move on with his life, and has made it completely clear to me that he doesn’t want long term with me.

It breaks my heart.

And I’m not sure how to continue.

It sounds pathetic, I hear it. I recognize it.

But you guys, I can’t explain this energy I feel. And I know I’ve never felt this before, and I know it will never come again. So do I hold onto it? By loving a man who flat out says I’m not his everything? To hear him say I’m just not quite enough? Or start to deny it, deny this whole transformational experience I’ve been going through during the past few months, and perhaps eventually move on to something, someONE less, maybe even fake. I’m not saying I have a man right now waiting for me that I can move on to lol trust me, it’s not like I have marriage proposals on the daily (Or ever let’s be real) but I do want to get married. I do want to have a family.

I do want to feel loved.

I don’t think I’ve asked for much.

Haha, although some may disagree.

I just want love.

But I don’t think I can have a false love after experiencing this and knowing how real it can get.

I don’t think I can settle.

So I think I’ll sacrifice instead.

Because what choice do I have remaining, when he has made his?


-Eminem Ft. Beyoncè/Walk on Water-

I’m Only Human, Just Like You, I Been Making My Mistakes, Oh If You Only Knew /’Cause I’m Terrified To Let You Down

Now what.

I hate knowing that everyone has free will. I so dislike knowing that each individual has the freedom to choose their own path in life.

I hate even more knowing who my soul mate (or whatever you call it) is, especially when they don’t recognize me, as theirs.

Am I important to them? Yes.

Just not as important as they are to me.

And that hurts.

So, since I’ve been made aware that this person is my perfect match, and he recognizes there is love, but basically not enough to bind us together long term, where does that leave me?

I can’t move on. But I have to. In all honesty, dramatics aside (although everything I’ve said has been truthful and as non-dramatic as possible, as hard to believe as that may be), I seriously understand that individuals must choose for themselves, so I have to allow him to make his choice, and follow his passion, which unfortunately is not me. It’s passions that were within him before we physically met. Passions that in fact, being with me, may cause a misrepresentation of who he is, so I understand his lack of interest in the idea of  ‘us’. So I have to let him choose, even with the knowledge I have, I want him to choose, and to be happy with his choice.

So if he doesn’t choose me back, then I must move forward, into infinity, without him. But I know that I can never choose anyone else. I can never reach this level of love and connection again. I can never FEEL anyone like I’ve felt him. I’ve felt him move me, and I KNOW that connection is once in… not a lifetime, but in an eternity.

Maybe I felt the universe’s call more deeply than him. Maybe I choose to recognize it, maybe I was looking for it, maybe, maybe, so many maybes. But in the end I know what this is. And I know I will NEVER find anything better.

So my issue is, do I let him go on, which obviously, is yes. I have to, since it’s his choice, but I’m talking about after that. For me? Do I just live my life at peace knowing that I had this little bit of time with this amazing connection, this crossover of infinity if you will, and leave it at that? Or do I move on in this lifetime and live like a normal human who’s never had this experience, and go on attempting to find another connection, with the knowledge that it will never be as deep and ‘meant to be’ as this?

That would probably be unfair to the hypothetical person I was attempting to move on with. Because I know I could never give all my love to them. Because I know who my heart belongs to. I know who I was meant to love.

So do I just attempt to love a man who doesn’t want to commit to loving me in return? Not even that, because there is love, but just that he wants to move on with his life, and has made it completely clear to me that he doesn’t want long term with me.

It breaks my heart.

And I’m not sure how to continue.

It sounds pathetic, I hear it. I recognize it.

But you guys, I can’t explain this energy I feel. And I know I’ve never felt this before, and I know it will never come again. So do I hold onto it? By loving a man who flat out says I’m not his everything? To hear him say I’m just not quite enough? Or start to deny it, deny this whole transformational experience I’ve been going through during the past few months, and perhaps eventually move on to something, someONE less, maybe even fake. I’m not saying I have a man right now waiting for me that I can move on to lol trust me, it’s not like I have marriage proposals on the daily (Or ever let’s be real) but I do want to get married. I do want to have a family.

I do want to feel loved.

I don’t think I’ve asked for much.

Haha, although some may disagree.

I just want love.

But I don’t think I can have a false love after experiencing this and knowing how real it can get.

I don’t think I can settle.

So I think I’ll sacrifice instead.

Because what choice do I have remaining, when he has made his?


-Eminem Ft. Beyoncè/Walk on Water-